Morning Seditionists

Hard to believe this is the last day of August already. When you’re a kid, you hear the old people talk about how fast the years go by, but you don’t really appreciate it until you’re the old guy, bitching about time flying (and your aches and pains), and repeating all of your old stories while the young folk effect those stone-faced, semi-smiling looks as they try their best to tune you out to keep from going fucking crazy. Pretty soon, all that’ll be left is talking about how many medications you’re on, and discussing the quality of your BM’s. Is it any wonder Peggy Lee sang, “is that all there is?” (more…)

In honor of Kevin (and the restof our heathen brethren), I’d like to start this day with a prayer. It’s been a while, and I’m trying to do this from memory, so please forgive me (or, should I say, “forgiveth me”) if I don’t get it quite right.

And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, “O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy.” And the Lord didst grin and the people didst feasteth upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats and… (I shall skippeth a bit). And the Lord spake, saying, “First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou counteth to three: no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is right out! Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.” Amen. (more…)

So, it turns out Larry Craig isn’t gay, and to prove it, he’s planning on spending a weekend this winter locked in a cabin with nothing but Ted Haggart, a gallon of massage oil, and a couple ounces of crank. I hear Rush Limbaugh is willing to ship them a couple hundred doses of Viagra, too (from his award-winning Dominican Republic stash). Well, at least old Larry didn’t go for the “there was a scary black guy there, so I offered to pay to let me blow him, ‘cuz if there’s one thing you can ever do to placate a scary black guy, it’s offer to blow him.” (more…)

So, some of you may have noticed a set of links that now reside in the page footers here. They’re not there because I endorse them (far from it; they look like the typical shit that you get spammed with, so I wouldn’t bother clicking on them). They’re there because they offered me money – up front, no “per click” nonsense – to put them there. I feel a bit as if I’m selling my soul, but they’re pretty unobtrusive text-only links (I’ll bet most people won’t even notice they’re there), and they actually pay me a month in advance. My guess is that they’re just there to get noticed by web spiders, so that the sites they link to will get elevated in search results. Whatever. I’m not getting a fortune for them, but they actually cover the cost of the web hosting fees, with enough left over to buy a beer or two. So, I couldn’t resist. While I can’t vouch for the sites that these links go to, it seems like the advertising company that’s paying me is actually on the up-and-up. Now I can keep this site going forever – even if everybody goes away (which is looking more and more likely these days). (more…)

I was kinda hoping Olbermann would come out with a “special comment” on NBC last night. Something about Bush and Cheney being disgraceful liars who ought to be thrown in prison. But I reckon that would’ve been a bit much for “we the people” to handle all at once. Still, it would be nice if Countdown got at least a weekly network airing. (more…)

So,what do these idiots have in store for us today? As usual, let’s start with NBC’s Press the Meat, and it’s meat (and potato) headed host, Timmuh Russert. Today little Russ boasts an exclusive with Lance “Cyclops” Armstrong, who will tell us that when hoisting your crotch onto one of those hard little bicycle seats (aka, “buttplug”) for hours upon hours every day, it aint too good for your nuts. Plus, it’s John Warner, who bravely came out this week, bent over, and asked dubya to just stick it in a little bit. Then there’s a roundtable with pretty boy Richard Engle, Fiasco author and WaPost military correspondent, Tom Ricks, and Bush apologist Michael Gordon from the NY Times. (more…)

I was gonna save this for September 3^rd, bit what the hell. If you can sit still and listen to this, you’re either dead, or very, very white (like, Colorado white).

Whoopdie-doo, it’s Friday! Even better, I get to spend the day at my undisclosed, alternate location, which means I’m two minutes from home, and out of work at four o’clock. No better way to end the week. Now, let’s get out there and get this week over with already. (more…)

Can anybody explain to me what’s so fucking tough about putting on your turn signal? Especially you left-turners out there. ‘Cuz, like, some of us actually have better (or at least more urgent) things to do than sit behind your fucking SUV sucking exhaust will you wait to turn left. And, no, waiting until the light turns green to put on your turn signal doesn’t count. Might as well just leave the damn thing off at that point, asshole. (more…)

It’s Wednesday. Yep, sure is.