I really didn’t think it could happen again.

It’s been a long time since I’ve put anything up here, but I just found out that Vernon passed away on September 4, 2019. I really have no words. RIP, Vernon.

Well, shit, I haven’t got much to say this morning, but I missed the entire month of June (you can tell by all the comments that everybody was really bummed about that), so I suppose I ought to at least say hello. Hello. Also, Joe Biden is the devil – just wanna get that out there. Bernie Sanders, too, of course, but that goes without saying. The more I hear from Kamala Harris, the more I really want Elizabeth Warren to be the Democratic nominee. I hope that’s OK. I saw a critique of one or two of those debate reality teevee shows, and had to laugh at one that said something to the effect that “Sanders was good but short on specifics.” And I thought, um, couldn’t you pretty much say that about all of them? Except for Warren (and, you know, in a 47 person debate format, I don’t know that anybody gets a chance to get specific about much of anything). But, hey, if electing a US President was ever about “specifics” in the past, it sure as hell hasn’t been for a long time now, which I suppose is why Warren doesn’t have a chance. It’s all about sound bites and catch phrases and twitterations. As Jackson Browne wrote,

They sell us the President the same way
They sell us our clothes and our cars
They sell us every thing from youth to religion
The same time they sell us our wars

Well they sure sold us a gold orange plated steaming pile of shit last time around, didn’t they?

So, anyway, just let me know who I’m supposed to vote for so we can get this asshole out of office and the Republicans can go back to being deeply concerned about the Constitution and the separation of powers and the deficit and all that happy horseshit. If it’s OK with Putin, of course.

As for what’s going on down there south of border down Mexico way, well, it’s better if I don’t think about that. I’ve been taking my blood pressure pills but there’s no point pushing it. If there’s anything “good” about it, it at least exposes the “right to life” bullshit for the hypocrisy it is (not that it wasn’t already perfectly clear to anybody who was willing to pay attention). These evangelical douchebags don’t care about “life” or “the children” – oh, we can’t have a President diddling an intern (not that I consider that to have been acceptable behavior myself, mind you, but nobody came out of that one looking particularly morally superior) because “what do we tell the CHILDREN!” – or “motherhood” or “family values.” Shit, if apples came from Mexico, they’d shit all over apple pie, too. OK, well, they do grow apples in Mexico, but you get the point.

Anyhow, if you’re down around Dee Cee today, don’t forget to stop by the Lincoln Memorial and see the OTHER great Republican (most would say THE GREATEST Republican. “He’s great because he freed the slaves and got shot in the head. I like people that didn’t free the slaves and get shot in the head, okay?”) give a stirring all-American speech in front of a couple of parked tanks or whatever it is that’s going on down there.

As for the rest of you, lay off the fuckin’ fireworks, OK? It scares the dog.

So, with the advent of anti-abortion laws designed to get Roe v. Wade back to SCOTUS and repealed (Alabama being the shining example here), I know the common sentiment is that the evil men want to control womens’ bodies because, you know, men. I foolishly responded to one such Twitter meme (been mostly avoiding the Twitter these days, but sometimes I just can’t help myself) with nothing but a photo of Alabama Governor Kay Ivey, who gleefully signed the bill into law, and the response I got was “is that a woman.” Which I thought was rather sexist and demeaning, but since it came from a female I felt it best to just continue ignoring Twitter again. Anyhow, in case the suspense is getting to you, yes, Ivey is indeed a woman (I mean, I haven’t checked or anything, but I’m pretty sure).

But, anyhow, if you’re somebody who thinks this issue is simply about women seeking to overcome the patriarchy, you should think again. Polls like this one show that two-thirds of ALL Americans want Roe to stand. And that includes roughly equal numbers of men and women (65% of the boys and 68% of the gals, which is statistically a dead heat). And since support is close to 3/4 for women 18-44, I’d say if you’ve got a problem, it’s with the old broads (such as, I would point out, Kay Ivey).

Of course this isn’t anything new. I believe it was Gloria Steinem who utter the much-repeated old chestnut (Thom Hartmann loves this one) that “if men got pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament!” despite the fact that every poll I’ve ever seen has men and women basically even on support of a woman’s right to choose. I mean, in modern times, anyway.

The fact is, this isn’t the boys vs. the girls. This is a bunch of greedy, conniving, lying, hypocritical politicians (mostly, but not exclusively, Republicans, of course) who figured out they can con a gullible (though substantial) minority of religious morons into thinking there’s only one issue worth voting for (and donating campaign money to – duly laundered through the nearest mega-church, which takes its cut and passes the rest along), so they can enrich themselves. After all, these pious politicians and church leaders need that money to pay for abortions for their mistresses and family members.

So the Fox News crowd clutches their pearls (and their rosaries) and dutifully sign their social security checks over to Joel Osteen, Pat Robertson, Franklin Graham, and that most pious of the pious, chosen-by-God President, Donald Trump and drag their asses out to the polls while “liberals” squabble over who the purest one of all is while not actually doing anything.

So, you know, you can keep on framing this as the evil men vs. the women if you want, but I think it just makes it easier for the real perps to keep the focus off of them. ‘Cuz – at least on this one – it’s not man v. woman, it’s the majority of US versus a minority of THEM.

But I probably just don’t get it.

It’s about 43 degrees, windy, dark, and drizzly out there today, which means that in the history of CNY Mother’s Days, this doesn’t even come close to the worst one ever (weather-wise, at least). As long as we get less than eight inches of snow, we’re good. But, anyhow, to all the mothers out there, Happy Mother’s Day. If you’ve got a mother, then you should probably do something nice for her (something better than what you’ll do for your father next month, which I guess goes without saying). Unless you don’t actually like your mother, in which case the hell with her. So she carried you for nine months (and, really, I’m sure she wasn’t even aware you were there for at least the first couple of months, so that wasn’t much of a burden) and then went through untold hours of suffering to squeeze you out. Big f*ckin’ deal – you didn’t ask to be born, am I right? Right. And for all my fellow orphans out there, just hang out and relax, do something nice for yourselves – unlike so many of the other bullshit Hallmark Holidays, you’re off the hook for this one.

Speaking of Mother’s Day, I saw that Alyssa Milano is calling on a “sex strike” to protest anti-abortion laws (only for women, though, I guess because only women are pro-choice). I don’t have an opinion on the matter (the strike part, I mean – I think abortion should be safe and legal and if the prospective father is present and involved, as he should be, then he should be able to express his thoughts, but in the end the person who actually has to be pregnant and give birth is the one who gets the final word on the matter. I mean, is that too obvious? I guess), except to say that whoever you are, male, female, non-binary, or whatever else, if you don’t want to have sex, then you shouldn’t. And nobody should feel as though they should have to.

I will say, though, that using sex a reward or withholding it as a punishment is probably not healthy for a relationship. Plus sex is kinda like HBO. You think you need it, but then after it’s been denied for a while, you realize you can live without it (oh, sure, it might be nice to watch the occasional episode of Game of Thrones, but if you have to, you can get by and if if push comes to shove, you can probably get what you need off the Internet). Then any power it may have had over you starts to diminish, if not evaporate altogether.

And then it’s like, hey, not every episode was all that great, and I wasn’t really watching enough to make it worth the fifteen bucks a month.

None of which, of course, relates to the Alabama anti-abortion legislation that I assume was the impetus for this most recent sex strike idea. How withholding sex (or not) from your partner the plumber in NYS is gonna influence legislation in Utah (or whatever), is beyond me.

But, hey, what do I know? In fact, to all the ladies out there, I say you should hold out until recreational marijuana is legal in all 50 states.

Solidarity, sisters!

I just noticed I haven’t put anything up here in the month of April (damn near two months), so even though I haven’t actually got anything to write home about, I figured I’d better get to it. It’s either that, or admit I’ve given up, and I’m too stubborn to do that. So, what’s new?

Let’s see, the weather around here mostly sucks. Sure, we’ve had a few nice days, but it’s mostly been shitty even by my not exactly lofty standards. Maybe May will be better – I sure hope so anyway. As for me, when I took a serious look at my finances and realized retirement was, at best, another 4+ years away, I went on a spending diet, limiting myself to paying the mandatory bills, and limiting my extravagant expenditures to buying dog food, dog medicine, dog treats, bus passes, and the occasional gallon of gas, and the odd bit of people food. Nothing makes me want to spend money more than saving money, though, so I started seriously pursuing the purchase of solar panels for my roof.

I was pretty much all-in on the idea – got three preliminary quotes and even had one place come out to do measurements, shade assessments, and work up a final quote while I investigated finance options vs. paying for it upfront. They were out on a Friday, and I expected to hear from them early the next week. That was about 10 days or so ago, and I haven’t heard from them again. Maybe I didn’t look high-class enough for them, I dunno. All I do know is I was basically ready to jam fistfuls of cash into their pockets. But they made a big mistake – they gave me time to really think things through.

See, I was looking at a theoretical 10-11 year payback on the investment at best (relying on the sun to shine, which isn’t necessarily a good bet in my neck of the woods), which means by the time I’d break even on these things, I’d be about five years younger than my dad was when he died. I didn’t especially want to take out a loan, but dipping into my savings would mean having a lot less cash in the bank if (when) something shitty happened that I needed to fix. As the days passed without hearing anything, I started to ponder the possibility that maybe this wasn’t a great idea after all.

Plus, if I can’t get somebody to pay attention to me BEFORE I give them my money, what are the odds of getting anything out of them once they’ve got it?

So instead I decided to sign up for a Community Solar project, which isn’t quite the same as having my own little solar farm, but it’ll help alleviate my liberal guilt and offset my carbon footprint a bit (lord knows, trying to use less electricity isn’t getting anywhere). Plus it’s supposed to save me 10% on my electric bill (we’ll see – I’m trying to figure out how I’m getting fucked here. I know I must be, but I haven’t figured out how just yet).

My only hope is that the solar dude will finally come back with a quote so I can tell him, “oh, sorry, when you blew me off I decided to go in a different direction, but thanks so much for wasting my fucking time anyway). Unfortunately, it appears he’s decided to fuck me before I can fuck him.

Well, I guess if I want to get this out there before the end of the month, I’d better go ahead and end this. I was going to write something about the Mueller thing and all the suckers I’ve heard for months saying how Trump was sooooo screwed and Mueller was playing 3 dimensional chess while everybody was playing checkers and William Barr is Trumps’ boy but he’s an “instituionalist” who respects the law and DOJ and all that. And I was thinking about how the Democrats are gonna tear each other to shreds before nominating some piece of shit candidate in the fine tradition of Mondale, Dukakis, Gore, Kerry, and Clinton (not the first one – say what you want about him, he was excellent at running).

But I’m too tired for all that.

So let’s just get through April, and maybe next month won’t suck so bad.

I did something this morning that I’ve been putting off for a while – I changed my NYS Voter Registration party preference back to “Democrat.” Mostly so I could vote in the upcoming (which isn’t for, like, a year and a half or something) NYS Democratic primary for President. To be honest, the way NYS works, even this far ahead of time, I don’t know if I’ll actually be able to vote in it. But we’ll see.

I forget exactly when I switched. The last one I voted in, I voted for Hillary Clinton over Barack Obama, once again proving that my vote is the kiss of death, though of course by the time NY gets to vote it’s all over but the cryin’ anyway, so voting in the NYS primary is kind of an exercise in futility.

I forget exactly what it was, but the Democrats did something or other to piss me off (maybe it was when they said single-payer healthcare was “off the table” or something), so in a fit of pique I switched to the the Working Families Party, who never really gave me anybody to vote for in a primary, but at least came by the house one time and got me to sign a petition to get somebody or other on the ballot. But then they endorsed Andy Cuomo over Zephyr Teachout the same year that Gov. Snotball got in touch with his inner George Pataki and basically called Civil Servants a bunch of leeches on society and decided we not only weren’t deserving of raises but should be happy to give the State a no-interest loan by way of a couple weeks pay furlough (still holding a grudge on that one Andy, but if you hurry up and legalize pot so I can catch a buzz and watch the sun set this summer, we’ll call it even), and I decided to part ways with the WFP and jump to the Greens (hey, if your vote is worthless, make it REALLY worthless, right?).

Other than the Presidential campaign, we don’t really have anybody to vote for in the primaries around here, and by the time it occurred to me to switch my affiliation back over, it was always too late (seriously, I’m not sure how long it takes, but it’s, like over a year – NY is very odd that way, which is why there ought to be “open” primaries IMHO, but that’s another issue altogether). And you can’t just “edit” your party preference, you have to fill out the whole stupid form again as if it’s a brand new voter registration, which always makes me nervous that something will happen and I won’t be able to vote at all. Or something. I don’t know.

But now (and for a while, I guess) you can do it online through the DMV, so I finally did it. And in a year or so, I might even find out if it worked.

Assuming it did, I’ll need to figure out who to vote for, and I’m not endorsing anybody just yet (no doubt all the candidates are on pins and needles, waiting for the coveted PJS endorsement) – though I think we can all agree that, all things being equal, the nation would be a better place with a Syracuse guy at the helm.

Much as I love Uncle Joe, I’m not sure I’m sold on him as a candidate (and at this point he’s not actually running, so there’s that). He’d make a great candidate for Ombudsman, though, and after Trump I really think the US could use one of those to go around the planet and make nice with the people who used to like us but hate our guts now.

“They” (whoever they are) seem to be saying that Biden would be a “safe” establishment choice for all those people who have come to the conclusion that Trump is nuts, but that aren’t ready to vote for some scary woman or a socialist or whatever it is they’re trying to paint the other 43 (so far) candidates that are running. Of course as soon as it was Biden, they’d be painting him as a plagiarizing buffoon.

Basically, no matter who the Democratic candidate is, the Republicans will label them as a crazy commie and the “liberal” media will bend over backwards to make him or her seem the same as Trump.

So, my fellow Democrats (assuming my registration actually gets changed), how’s about we ignore all the bobbleheads and concern trolls and the “electability” horseshit and vote for whoever it is that you think stands for what you stand for, and that you think will do the best job? And then when it turns out to be somebody else, make nice and don’t talk shit about them (looking at you, Susan Sarandon!).

Because the courts are already trashed for the rest of my life and we can’t afford more Trump. And in case you haven’t noticed roughly 40% of the people in this country suck and they’ll all get out and vote for this asshole again, so the other 60% of us can’t be fucking around this time.

I was watching Morning Joe the other morning. I’m not really a fan of The Joe, frankly. I find him kind of sanctimonious with his “when we shut the government down back in ’94, we had righteous reasons for it” and I really don’t care whether or not he thinks The Natural is the perfect baseball movie or whatever. But since he seems to agree that Trump is an asshole, it’s not a bad way to kill the half hour or so while I do my morning dishes, prepare my lunch, and get ready to go out there and seize the day.

Anyhow, on this particular morning, Mika was expressing her deep, deep concern about this Jussie Smollett dude (who’s definitely got a few loose screws) and the “me too” movement, which you wouldn’t really think are related, but Mika’s concern was that Democrats “overreaching” on the issues of being racist and assaulting women. And I thought to myself, gee, Mika, why aren’t you afraid of Republicans being too extreme in voicing opposition to racism and sexual assault?

This was just a week or so after Joey tut-tutted over AOC and the Green New Deal (or the Green Dream or whatever – nobody knows what it is, but they’re for it, right?) after displaying the most recent poll results showing Donald Trump’s approval ratings rebounding over previous numbers. “See? I told you so, Democrats. All that crazy talk is getting you nowhere.”

I’m always heartened to know that Joe Scarborough is looking out for the best interests of the Democratic Party.

And to be fair many establishment Democrats are deeply concerned about all this socialist crazy talk like Medicare for all (that something like 70% of all Americans favor) and free college tuition (that about 81% of Americans support), and the Green New Deal (that 80% of registered voters are in favor of). As we all know, it’s very important to run away from these insane Democratic Socialists.

“Serious” Democrats know they need to be ignored when possible, patronized and talked-down to when we’re confronted by them (especially these damn kids – fer fuck’s sake, they can’t even vote and we need to stamp out any enthusiasm they might display before they take over), and tolerated to least extend possible only when absolutely necessary (I mean, everybody loves a shiny new “thing” but, hey, they can’t be taken seriously).

I mean, without all this Conventional Wisdom we wouldn’t have…. Well, we probably wouldn’t have Donald Trump.

And what fun would that be?

The main thing is that we all stay united and support whoever we need to, to make sure Trump doesn’t get re-elected.

Unless it’s Bernie Sanders. Fuck that guy. He’s a crazy Socialist.

Somebody (somebody I’ve known for a long time – though I haven’t really seen or communicated with this person much in quite some time – who I’ve always liked, and who I don’t think is an idiot) forwarded me a “funny” e-mail the other day with a subject line of Fwd: Irish diplomavy (I’ve been known to make a typo or two, plus the “v” is right next to the “c” so I’ll cut the originator some slack on that part):

If you think Trump is blunt . . .

One thing about lads from Ireland is that their hearts and humor are always in the right place! Jimmy Murphy, a City Councillor from Dublin, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

If hooking up one fookin’ rag-head terrorist’s testicles to a car battery gets the truth out of the lying little camel shagger to save just one Irish soldier’s life, then I have only three things to say; Red is positive, Black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet.’

Har!

I’m not sure why anybody would find that funny (or, more to the point, why anybody who knows me would think I would find that funny). The person who sent it to me has, on occasion, passed along some of these stupid types of things but since when I do respond, it’s in a way that makes it clear that I’m not into that sort of thing, he tends to leave me off the list. A while back, as we were discussing SU basketball and the connection to my old high school, which has provided a few pretty good players over the years, I happened to send a link to a newspaper – if you can still call them that; I suppose that term will be in existence long after anybody remembers what a “paper” was, like “dialing” a phone or “filming” a movie – story about a kid who had been suspended from the team for (allegedly) strangling a woman. It wasn’t exactly a first offence for this kid, who happened to be a black kid from the inner city (at some point high schools in the ‘burbs apparently began “recruiting” kids from outside the district, which, in my opinion, is a good opportunity for the kid because the Syracuse City School District is arguably one of the worst north of NYC, but of course not all kids are exactly angels and it would be a lot better if the quality of your education didn’t depend on your athletic prowess or the neighborhood you live in).

Anyhow, the response from the person in question was a fairly predictable diatribe about affirmative action or something like that. My response was that if the kid came from money, daddy’s lawyers would have made it all disappear. And that reply seemed to initiate a bit of a lull in our communications. Until this “Irish diplomavy” e-mail.

Besides being, well, dumb, it also smelled like bullshit to me (as so many of these things do), and so I did what the people who forward this shit back and forth never seem to do – I spent about 12 seconds checking it. You can look at the Snopes story here, but the short story is that this has been floating around for years, attributed to various nonexistent people, and is actually based on a mid-1990s “joke” by Nick DiPaolo about torturing monkeys for medical research.

Funny stuff, indeed.

I thought about passing that along but, well, what’s the point, really? Even if you can convince somebody that one specific item is bullshit, it doesn’t really matter. It’s not as if they’ll bother questioning the next stupid e-mail that gets passed along to them (assuming it reinforces their world view), and the point, really, is that they find torture to be acceptable, effective, necessary, and – most important of all – amusing.

Which I do not.

I’m not sure when this guy turned into “one of those people,” but I think it was a combination of things. He’s lived on Long Island for a long time, and let’s just say that’s not exactly known for being a liberal oasis. He’s also been in IT for a long time, and has seen a lot of his colleagues lose their jobs to “foreigners.” And he knew people who died in the Twin Towers, which I think had an effect on a lot of otherwise normal human beings.

We all have an inner asshole, and, if properly fertilized and nurtured, it can grow rather impressively. And once it gets going, it’s harder to kill than kudzu.

So, yeah, people believe what they want to believe no matter how much evidence there is to the contrary (or, as Paul Simon once said, “…a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest.”).

It would be tempting to right that sort of thing off to racists, misogynists, and the mentally defective, but of course there’s at least a little bit of that in all of us.

I was on the Internets the other day, and saw that Bernie Sanders (who we all know is a horrible human being because he was mean to Hillary Clinton by running to be the Democrat’s candidate for President AND HE’S NOT EVEN A DEMOCRAT!! HE SHOULD RUN AS AN INDEPENDENT!! You mean like Howard Schultz? HOWARD SCHULTZ SHOULDN’T RUN AS AN INDEPENDENT HE SHOULD RUN AS A DEMOCRAT IF HE WANTS TO RUN!! I mean, I get it, but, really, change the rules about who can run if you want to prevent certain people from running) released a rather innocuous sounding response to this WSJ article about robotics and automation disrupting jobs in Lakeland Florida (among other places). Sanders said that AI and robotics “should be used to improve the lives of working people, not just to increase corporate profits.”

Responses (from some folks, anyway) were predictable, and can be summed up in about four words – “shut up old man!” Interesting how a bunch of people using the Internet can turn into Luddites (though I suspect the same folks would have lauded that statement, had it come from someone else). A lot of people expressing the opinion that “the only purpose” for technology is to replace humans with our robot overlords. And while that’s certainly a danger, there are a lot of uses for AI and robotic technology beyond replacing humans. With, in fact, the potential to make things better for humans. Limb replacement comes to mind (OK, I guess that is PARTIAL human replacement). As does more accurate weather forecasting. And the ability to go into environments that are too dangerous for humans. Plenty of current and future uses in healthcare. And presumably a lot of things that I have no idea about, because what do I know?

And, yeah, a lot of potential to put people out of work and make a lot of money for people who already have too damn much money (which is why I have no problem with the idea of taxing billionaires a little bit more). And some things are gonna happen whether we want them to or not. Workers need to be retrained and educated and given everything they need to prosper and live what we used to call the American Dream.

And give old farts like me the ability to retire and be replaced by the next generation (of humans, that is).

Anyhow, I thought about replying to some of these people about how AI and robotics (like any technology) have potential for both good and bad, and then I thought, eh. Why bother?

A man hears what he wants to hear.

I was once asked by a healthcare professional if I’d ever had suicidal thoughts. At the time I thought it was a standard question (I don’t really have a lot of experience with doctor types – other than the ones I’ve encountered in my work experience, who mostly haven’t paid much attention to me, except, maybe, to tell me how important they are). But I was forced to get an exam for some reason or other (work-related, I think) and it may be that I was just doing a poor job of hiding my disgust at being in this guy’s presence (once you find out what they really think of the general public, it’s hard to pretend to believe they actually give a shit about – let alone respect – you), and he mistook my disdain for despair.

I mean, my mother once told me I looked “mean” (thanks Ma!), and my wife told me I look like a Klingon (hopefully a “Next Generation” version). I even had my ninth grade English teacher tell me one time that she didn’t like having me in her class, because she’d look at me sitting there and know I was thinking “this is bullshit.” A bit of projection on her part, I think, but I assured her that she ought not to worry because I was rarely, if ever, actually paying attention to whatever it was she was saying.

So perhaps I had a bit of a pissy look on my face. I dunno.

Anyhow, my response to the whole thinking about offing myself thing was, “yeah, I suppose everybody has thoughts like that from time to time.” So naturally the follow-up question was “do you often feel depressed?”

Well, shit. First you have to define “often” and then you’ll have to tell me what you mean by “depressed.” Sad, sure. Who isn’t, apart from narcissists and sociopaths. I’m no shrink, but I doubt any state of malaise I’ve ever experienced has risen to the level of clinical depression. I once heard a now-disgraced podcaster talk about having anxiety attacks and saying that people think they get those, but they don’t really know what that is until they actually have one. Which made me wonder, if that’s the case, how you’d ever know you actually had one. I guess it’s like porn – you know it when you see (or feel) it.

But the point is, yeah, I’ve felt shitty and unhappy and all that, but nothing out of what I assume is the ordinary (I mean, it kind of depends on your situation, no? And whether or not you ran out of beer and cigarettes and the stores are all closed – yeah, there once was a time when the stores closed and teevee stations actually “signed off” for the night).

Anyway, any suicidal thoughts I might have had were certainly never serious (I mean, here I still am, right?), and, in any case, not as a result of depression. More like laziness. As in, there were things I really didn’t want to do (write a paper, take a test, go to work, give a presentation, go to a fucking doctor appointment, etc.), and never being particularly bright or creative, the only way I could think to get out of doing them would be to wake up dead. Or maybe get in a serious (but non-fatal) automobile accident. Preferably something involving a relatively brief coma that would allow me to catch up on my sleep and not have to experience any pain (had an MVA resulting in a compression fracture of the T10 vertebrae one time and let me tell ya, that shit hurt. A lot. Still does, frankly – it’s something I highly recommend you avoid).

Oh, and no catheter, please, because the thought of the thought of those things frankly creeps me out.

Now that I’m older, the car accident fantasy has been replaced by something a little more age appropriate – like, maybe, an acute cardiac infarction. Mild stroke. Something relatively benign, yet necessitating early retirement at full pay (and a prescription for medical marijuana – and not that NYS crap, either, but the real thing). Hey, a guy can dream, no?

Which leads me to where I am today. I mean, not today, specifically, but today as in at this point in my life. For reasons I won’t get into, I’m really not digging the way life is working out right now. I mean, besides obvious things like a POTUS who is a Russian asset, a bunch of “liberals” who seem intent on eating each other because this one doesn’t like that one, and that other one was mean to the one whose turn it was last time, and some billionaire asshole who seems intent on making sure the current fake billionaire asshole stays in office.

On a side note, I see that our beloved (yet terribly harassed, which has never happened to any other president) Commander in Chief keeps referring to the Amazon and WaPost dude as Jeff Bozo. I get that’s a pretty easy “joke” to make with the “b” and the “z” and the “o” and all, but someone who wears harlequin makeup and a fright wig really shouldn’t be making clown references.

Anyhow, my angst these days is pretty much all work related. I’m feeling overwhelmed and stressed and hopelessly trapped and just plain unhappy. I haven’t really slept much in a couple of years (despite what my watch seems to think – apparently when you just lie there staring into the darkness, it considers it “light sleep”), I have a more or less perpetual headache, my jaw hurts like hell from constantly clenching my teeth, and I have to piss all the time.

That last part isn’t really related to stress – it’s just annoying.

So, here I am, too young to die (or at least too young to give up just yet), too poor to retire, can’t drink beer, pot’s not legal (yet, at least) here in NY, the few parts of me that don’t hurt are numb because I slept on them funny, it’s only the beginning of February and I’ve been sick of winter since before Xmas, the basketball team is having a shitty season, the lacrosse team opened up with a loss to fucking Colgate, for fuck’s sake, and Trump’s still president. If I wasn’t at least a little depressed, I’d need to have my head examined.

And, yeah, I’m aware that I’m being just a wee bit melodramatic here (I get that from my mother), and obviously know that I’ve been more than fortunate in my life and I really have no right to complain.

But fuck that.

Up until a week or so ago, I’d been harboring this fantasy that I could retire at any point. I mean, I’ve got enough years in to collect a pension and while I know that I’ll take a hit because of my age (never thought there’d be a drawback to being “too young” – especially since it never occurred to me that I’d ever get this old in the first place), but I thought, you know, give up my addiction to Amazon, cut back on things here and there, and I could tough it out until Social Security kicks in (assuming the Republicans don’t fuck that all up). In fact, I was pretty much convinced I was ready to pull the pin, walk in to HR, fill out the paperwork, and close out this chapter of my life. I mean, what’s the point if you’re just gonna feel like shit all the time?

But then I sat down and looked things over realistically and, well, even if I eat the dogs, sell the truck and walk wherever I go, revert to dial-up Internet (do they even have that anymore?), fill in the pool (which I would love to do – I mean, a pool where there’s nine months of winter? Whose bright idea was that?), and give up my phone (which, really, won’t do me much good without Internet anyway, seeing as nobody ever calls me and I’ve hated telephones since I got the call in the middle of the night that my dad had died), there’s still no chance of me retiring. Zero. Zip. As John Lennon once sang, the dream is over.

If I wasn’t depressed before that, I sure as hell am now.

But I’m a guy, and while I am (under certain circumstances) allowed to have feelings, I’m most definitely not allowed to express them.

So, never mind.