The Chicago local Fox station reports that evolution is making women more beautiful, because the hot babes are reproducing more (sorry, ladies, the men are staying just as ugly as ever, but you’ve always got the Jello-Joweled Triad of Lou Dobbs, Rush Limbaugh, and Glenn Beck to lust after). Now, I know what you’re thinking: I thought evolution was a myth, right? And even if it isn’t, doesn’t it take, like, millions of years for a series of minute mutations to become noticable? And does this mean that good-lookin’ women are really just mutants?

I think we can attribute the mutant beauty gene to a combination of three technological advances of the late 21st Century. First, there was the development of video cameras (especially the night vision ones), making it possible for celebrities and other “hot” women to make home sex tapes, therefore encouraging them to copulate more frequently. Next came the Internet, providing a mechanism for the proliferation and sharing of home sex videos, thereby encouraging more frequent copulation. And, finally, came the tanning bed, favored by those who want a year-round tan without all the messy spray paint (and who are, by definition, beautiful).

Tanning bed radiation (recently moved into the top cancer-risk category, alongside arsenic and mustard gas) infused into the bodies of these frequently copulating “beautiful people” has accelerated the rate of genetic mutation, rapidly spawning a new race of beautiful young women. I say young, because, sadly, most of them will get cancer and die at an early age, leaving behind beautiful, cancer-riddled corpses.

We, the Ugly People, who have eschewed the use of tanning beds all our lives (believing that popping yourself into a toaster in order to get a tan in February is, well, pretty fucking stupid) will be consigned to living in a world full of beautiful, young, terminally ill, frequently copulating (and pretty fucking stupid) women.

Unless President Palin can straighten this mess out, of course.