It was 45 years ago today that little Barack Obama was born in Kenya, prompting his family to post a birth notice in the Honolulu Sunday Advertiser nine days later – exactly the number of days it would have taken back in 1961 for a check to be mailed from Mombasa to Honolulu, and then clear from the Mombasa branch of the Central Bank of Kenya. Coincidence? I think not. And never mind the fact that the Central Bank of Kenya wasn’t established until 1966, or that Mombasa was part of Zanzibar (not Kenya) in 1961.

Oh, I know you O-bots will never believe the truth, but I’m currently in confidential negotiations with Dr Altaka Yurmani, presently residing in Lagos, Nigeria, and formerly the head obstetrician at the Provincial General Hospital in Mombasa from 1957 – 1963. Dr. Yurmani is in possession of the original Obama birth certificate, bearing a seal and the official signature of the Kenyan Minister of Live Births, Simba Mufasa. Once the good doctor receives my checking account and routing numbers, he will be deducting a small fee to cover shipping, handling and other miscellaneous fees, and forwarding the document forthwith. Then I’m gonna sell it to Orly Taint (or whatever her name is), Lou Dobbs, or whomever is the highest bidder. Then we can overturn this past illegal election.

Sadly, as Chris Kelly points out, we may not be able to elect a new president unless we amend the US Constitution. Article II, Section 1, Clause 5 of the Constitution states (quite unambiguously, given the founders’ penchant for comma splices) that:

No person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President; neither shall any Person be eligible to that Office who shall not have attained to the Age of thirty-five Years, and been fourteen Years a Resident within the United States.

So, unless you were born in, and/or a citizen of, the United States on June 21, 1788 (when Delaware became the ninth State to ratify it), you can’t be President. Even John McCain isn’t that old (Kelly suggests that only Robert Byrd is qualified).

Until we find a 221 year old person (or change the constitution), I propose that we appoint Obama as US Ombudsman. Other than a small (but vocal) group of ignorant wingnuts, the Obama presidency makes us all feel better about ourselves here in the US, and the folks overseas seem to pretty much love him and his family. So, he makes a really nice goodwill ambassador. Congress appears unlikely to let him accomplish much of anything (anything that lobbyists aren’t willing to pay for), and his leadership is appearing less and less “bold” with each passing day of his failed presidency anyway, so this will let him off the hook for the failure of Congress to act on anything.

Then we can elect some long dead (nothing in Article II, Section 1, Clause 5 says they have to be alive) white guy as President (maybe Franklin? Everybody loves Ben Franklin), with Dick Cheney as his VP, and get back to invading countries, torturing people, and blowing shit up. Maybe kill a few Indians for old time’s sake.

With Obama as our Ombudsman this time, though, the rest of the world will still love us while we do it.