First, it was the killer bees. Angry African devils (the Acorn and Obama of the early 90’s) stowing away on banana boats to South America, then making their way north, preparing to wipe out life as we know it here in the USA. Then came al Qaeda, who hated us for our freedom and would soon destroy our way of life unless we destroyed it first. Next, Saddam Hussein was poised to send unmanned drones packed with nuculur bombs the 10,000 or so miles from Baghdad to turn our smoking guns into mushroom clouds (or something). Next, Swine Flu would carve a swath of destruction across the United States, leaving nothing but dead, snotty bodies in its wake. And now, in what could be the final sign of the apocalypse, it’s the attack of the giant snakes. That’s right, it appears the motherf*ckin’ snakes have gotten off the motherf*ckin’ plane, and they’re coming for you, America.

U.S. Geological Survey’s biologists have just published a report detailing the ecological risks of nine species of giant non-native boas, anacondas and pythons in the United States. Already Burmese pythons are reproducing in the wilds and no-so-wilds of South Florida, with an estimated population now in the tens of thousands. But things could get a lot worse. There’s even this tidbit about threats to humans in the press release:

“Based on the biology and known natural history of the giant constrictors, individuals of some species may also pose a…risk to people….

The situation is so dire in the state that Florida Representative Robert Wexler is expected to resign from Congress today, in order to get the hell out.

Oh, I know what you’re thinking, “hell, it’s only Florida; big deal” (just kidding, Kev). But that’s just where it starts. Soon giant snakes will be slithering their way north and west, wiggling their way up sewer pipes and into your toilet, ready to strike when you get up to pee in the dark in the middle of the night.

I blame it on the gays, of course. And the fornicators, too.

But mostly the gays.