I’m having a hard time concentrating this morning, being deeply depressed over the announcement that Oprah will be ending her show in 2011. How we can live in an Oprah-less world is beyond me. I guess she just wants to take a year off before the world ends in 2012 or something. There is hope, though, as I hear she’s buying the Discovery Health Channel and turning it into the Oprah Network.

Now that Doug “Old Yeller” Hoffman is behind by more votes than there are absentee ballots outstanding, he’s doing what any spoiled rich-kid crybaby loser would do: claiming election fraud, charging the Axis of Evil (ACORN, Unions and the Democratic Party) with ballot tampering (ACORN? Really? Up here in the Great White North? Well, they stole the Presidential election for Obama, so I guess it’s possible.). As evidence Hoffman and his lackeys cite, um, well, nothing really.

“We have found certain irregularities,” said [Hoffman spokesman Rob] Ryan.

Might I suggest Metamucil^®, Rob?

From all the reports I’m hearing in the media, I am forced to come to the conclusion that women are stupid. This hasn’t been my personal experience, of course, as almost all the women in my life – a greater percentage than the men I’ve known, that’s for sure – have actually been quite smart. But the other day, somebody or other changed the recommendations for getting mammograms (wait ’til you’re 50) and doing breast self-examinations (don’t bother; my advice, outsource the job), and the media reported that women were “confused.”

Now, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists is saying women don’t need to get their first Pap test until they’re 21, and don’t have to get them as often, and this has apparently sent women over the edge. Women are now walking around with their shoes on the wrong feet, putting their shirts on backwards, and pulling their cars out without opening the garage door first.

According to the Today Show, even female doctors are affected – one just said she was “angry and confused” – by all this (to be fair, she was blond, though). I know I’m just a dumb old man, but I don’t really get it. I mean, if they came out and said men didn’t need prostate exams until they were 60, I would be neither angry nor confused (but I don’t get the damn things anyway; nothin’ goes up my ass until you put a ring on my finger, pal), and if I was inclined to continue my “self exams,” well, goddamnit, I would. I’m pretty sure I’m entitled to touch myself in the privacy of my own home (or the Minneapolis mens room) in any way I want.

All this and Oprah going off the air, too? Maybe the world really will end in 2012.