Today, President Obama goes to Oslo to accept the Nobel Peace Prize, just nine days after announcing the escalation of the war in Afghanistan and several days spent by members of his administration adamantly declaring that when he said we would begin withdrawing troops in 2011, it didn’t mean that we’d be withdrawing troops in 2011. What’s next? A posthumous Lifetime Achievement award for Stalin? Obama will reportedly be met by a few thousand ant-war protesters when he arrives (ironic, to be sure), so naturally he’s decided to piss off the Norwegians by blowing off lunch with the King. Oh, sure, you’ll bow to the Japanese, but you’re too good to sit down for a bowl of Fiskesuppe with King Harald? What? A little too white for you? Nice way to thank them for the $16 million they’re spending on security for your trip (that’s, like 92 million Kroners, which would buy helluva lot of Carlsbergs).

Alyssa Milano is “giving up” her 37th birthday to draw attention to the lack of clean drinking water in many parts of the world (I know what you’re thinking: “holy shit, she’s 37? Damn, I feel old”). A noble cause, Alyssa, but I think you need something bigger. I’m thinking some sort of PETA-like ad with you and water. I have several ideas. Perhaps we could make this a joint venture. Have your people call my people, and maybe we can work something out.