First it came for the pigs, but I’m not a pig so I didn’t care. Then it came for the Mexicans, but I’m not a Mexican, so I just ignored it. Then it came for the young people, and I figured, “screw the young! And get the hell off my lawn!” Next it came for the cats, and I have to admit that that didn’t really bother me much, either. But now, well, now it’s gone just too goddamn far! The first case of Swine Flu in a dog has been confirmed in White Plains, NY (which is Upstate, if you live in NYC, but Downstate if you live in the real Upstate). Enough is enough! I admit to not taking the whole H1N1 scare seriously before, but if it’s infecting dogs, then it’s picking a fight with the wrong damn guy. I mean, some spokeswoman for an animal medical center was quoted as saying, “don’t play kissyface with your dog….” Oh, why don’t I just go shoot myself, then? I refuse to change my way of life. The flu hates us for our kissyfaces, and if we give up our kissyfaces out of fear, then the flu wins. Especially now that kissyface season is upon us.

While the Senate health care bill sucks, they have found a way to stick it to House Minority Leader John Boehner a little bit by sneaking in a 10% tax on the use of tanning beds. The Senators were reportedly looking at either that, or a tax on Botox treatments, but they gave up on the whole Botox thing after a personal appeal from Nancy Pelosi.

With the Botox tax officially dead, the House now prepares to roll over for the Senate. There may be a few meaningless concessions to make “progressives” feel better, but no serious opposition is expected. So, as far as I can tell, nothing much changes for me, except I think my work insurance benefits will now be at least partially considered taxable income, and as I get older, insurance companies can charge me up to 300% more. There will be no more lifetime cap on benefits. Instead, there will be an annual cap on benefits, which, to my admittedly puny and ignorant mind, kinda seems like the same thing (unless I die fast, in which case it would seem to benefit the insurance company). Win-win.

Of course, should I lose my job, I’ll be able to pay a fine for not having the insurance I’ll no longer be able to afford (and hope like hell I don’t get sick). As a famous former presidential candidate once said, “[i]f a mandate was the solution, we could try that to solve homelessness by mandating everybody buy a house….” Good idea. If I lose my job, no doubt I’ll be homeless before too long, so let’s go ahead and pass that, too.

Just don’t tax my Botox.