Today started out great. The showerhead had been left in “blast” mode and not properly seated in its little hook, so when I turned it on, it promptly rose up, spun around (not unlike Linda Blair in “The Exorcist”), and blasted me in the face, soaking the walls (and floor) behind me. As I was trying, in my half-sleep stupor, to shut the stupid thing off (or at least aim it away from my face), I somehow managed to pull the muscle in my ribs that always seems to go into spasm at the most inopportune of times (not that there’s a good time for it to happen, come to think of it). Of course, I couldn’t soak up the water on the floor, ‘cuz there was only one towel in the bathroom, and the little throw rug that’s supposed to be on the floor in front of the tub has been MIA for weeks now, so I figured the next thing that would happen was me slipping on my way out of the shower and smashing my head on the corner of the vanity or something (thanks to the grab bar I installed when my mother was with us for a short time, I managed to avoid that fate; I really don’t want to be found naked and dead in a pool of my own blood on the bathroom floor, like a beached and harpooned white whale).

I’ve started close to 18,000 days in my life – enough to know that when they start out like this, it’s best to just go back to bed if you can. Sadly, that’s not an option this morning. The good news is that Christmas is over. The bad news is that it’s back to work again today. What a bummer that is. The good news is that my new refrigerator is gonna be delivered today (gee, and only a month after it was originally supposed to have been delivered). The bad news is that my wife scheduled it for a day when she was working, so I have to deal with it. The good news is that I could have avoided heading out into this snowy morning by working from home until it got delivered this morning. The bad news is that it isn’t coming until between 2 and 4 this afternoon, so I have to go in to work this morning after all.

I was listening to a podcast in the wee hours of the morning the other night. I don’t know who or what it was (it just happened to be on where I could hear it while I was trying to get some sleep). The premise of the show seemed to be that Obama was the anti-Christ, and the Copenhagen Climate Conference was actually a ruse to implement One World Government (which of course is a harbinger of the apocalypse). Yes, in case you didn’t realize it, international treaties – especially those involving the reduction of carbon emissions – are a threat to the American way of life. As proof, they cited the really cool spiral lights in the sky over northern Norway. The light – according to these folks – was clearly a Star Gate or worm hole or something like that presaging the coming of the end times. And, surely, it was no coincidence that this sign appeared above Copenhagen while Obama was there.

Of course, there are one or two little holes in that story. First, the light was visible over northern Norway. Sightings were reported as far south as Sør-Trøndelag, which is about 800 miles north of Copenhagen (which is just a tad south in latitude of Glasgow). So, as a sign of the second coming, it was off a bit. The other problem is that it appears to have been a failed Russian missile launch from a submarine in the White Sea. Looks like the first two stages worked OK, but the third stage failed, lost guidance, and started to spiral around spewing fuel in a couple of directions.

Of course, you’ll only believe this fake missile launch story if you’ve been duped by the Illuminati. The rest of us are way too smart for that. I mean, 2012, Star Gates, One World Government…. It’s just too damn obvious. And now all these Nigerian terrorists, following the lead of their secret commander, Barack Hussein Obama. The end times are nigh, indeed.

Speaking of Nigeria, if you’re planning on flying anywhere, I recommend you watch what you eat, ‘cuz if you get the shits and spend too much time in the airplane crapper, you’re liable to find yourself under arrest when the plane lands. Sounds reasonable to me. I’ve been in those airplane bathrooms and remember thinking somebody ought to go to prison.

Oh well, I guess it’s about that time.