I keep thinking its Tuesday for some reason, but it’s not, so that’s cool. Anyhow, for those who don’t pay attention to sports-related things (and, no, I’m pretty sure a guy ice skating while wearing a pink and black sparkly outfit doesn’t qualify as sports – though he did look fabulous!), there’s a huge kerfuffle over at ESPN, which has resulted in the suspension of Tony Kornheiser “for some time.” Tony is a Long Island guy who used to be a sportswriter (he’s from Lynbrook, just like Raymond, who everybody loves), having worked at places like Newsday, the NYT, and the Washington Post. Anyhow, now he’s on a show called PTI on ESPN. At least he was, until he got himself suspended for the horrible offense of, um, making fun of the way Hannah Storm (another ESPN personality, or whatever you call those people) dresses.

“Hannah Storm in a horrifying, horrifying outfit today. She’s got on red go-go boots and a catholic school plaid skirt … way too short for somebody in her 40s or maybe early 50s by now…She’s got on her typically very, very tight shirt. She looks like she has sausage casing wrapping around her upper body … I know she’s very good, and I’m not supposed to be critical of ESPN people, so I won’t … but Hannah Storm … come on now! Stop! What are you doing? … She’s what I would call a Holden Caulfield fantasy at this point.”

First off, I’ll take looking at Hannah all day over looking at your bald shiny head, Tony. Also, I don’t know of any real man who isn’t into red go-go boots and very short catholic schoolgirl skirts – never mind tight shirts (are you sure you were never a figure skater, Tony?). And Hannah’s a couple years younger than I am, Tony (and in a lot better shape, too), and we’re both a lot younger than you are (Tony’s so old, he went to school at Binghamton back when it was called Harpur College), so back the fuck off with the “too old” shit.

OK, so Tony is a loudmouth jerk who said something stupid about a colleague. Granted, being a loudmouth and saying stupid things is kind of his job description, but you’re not supposed to be overtly sexist on the air (though I’ve heard other sports-dudes cutting on, say, Charles Barkley for his fashion choices and making fun of Terry Bradshaw’s bald pate). But then that’s kind of the nature of guys – we tend to give each other shit. It doesn’t really translate all that way across the gender lines. I mean, it used to be OK, but it’s not the man’s world it used to be. Sad, I know. But time marches on.

So, anyway, Tony, I hoped you’ve learned that there are certain things you aren’t supposed to say on sports teevee and/or radio. Add making fun of the way a woman dresses to “look at that little monkey run”, black people were “bred” to be good athletes, and “nappy-headed hoes.”