At lunchtime yesterday, I decided to take a run over to the local “club” store (you know, the kind that sells toilet paper by the case – like Costco, but in this case it’s called BJs, which I think is an East Coast thing) to do enough grocery shopping to last me through to Sunday. Normally l go after work, but I figured I’d get it out of the way early, and, besides, how busy could it be on a Friday? Turns out, it was apparently prime time for the humongous among us to go shopping. I’m not talking about your typical bulk food shopper (let’s face it, a store that sells Ding-Dongs by the palette doesn’t exactly attract a health-conscious clientele – myself, sadly, most definitely included). These folks, however, were definitely the large economy size.

This had both pros and cons. On the plus side, though I’m not exactly svelte myself, being around these folks made me feel like a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. The disadvantage, however, was that I was in a bit of a hurry, and, well, trying to maneuver though this group didn’t exactly make it easy to get in and out of the store quickly.

For one thing, they’re very hard to get around, since they’re nearly as wide as the aisle, and they tend to walk in a lumbering, side-to-side manner (reminiscent of Mongo’s ox in Blazing Saddles; all they need is ‘Yes/No’ tattooed on their asses), making frequent stops to admire the baked goods, and to contemplate whether or not Crisco is an acceptable dip for Nachos. Plus, when it comes to checkout time, being stuck behind them takes forever, since they have lots and lots of items (these people shop with flatbeds), and are apparently mystified by the intricacies of the self checkout system (though, to be fair, this disability doesn’t seem limited to plus-size shoppers).

Needless to say (so why say it?), I eventually made it out and back to work, but whilst standing around and waiting, I noticed that they were selling Keurig coffee makers for $129. Having led a mostly sheltered life up until this time, my first exposure to one of these things came at the training I took a while back in DC. You insert a little sealed plastic shotglass of coffee (called a K-cup or, more generically, a “pod”, which has a filter built into it), and the machine pierces the top and bottom, injects 204 degree water, and out comes a single cup of joe. In the commercial version, it even magically disposes of the pod. Total time, under 30 seconds.

I’ve toyed with buying one of these things since i saw it, because it seems like a great way to save on coffee, I’m an “on-demand” kinda guy, and, let’s face it, it’s really, really cool. I’m not into all the disposal of plastic, but they also make refillable pod so you can grind your own coffee. In the spirit of 9/11 (which, as I recall, was all about capitalism, consumer confidence, and the need to “keep on shoppin'”), I ought to buy one. But right now I’m supposed to be saving money, not spending it (and I now have to fire off a check for $200 so some company can do a “drive-by” appraisal of the house I’m buying for the bank). So, no new coffee maker for me.

Speaking of 9/11, I suppose I should try and summon up something touching and poignant in honor of the anniversary of the “day that changed everything”, but I guess I’m just not up for it. It was, obviously, a really shitty (and stunning) day, and a lot of people lost their lives and loves ones (the Burlington Coat Factory even lost one of its locations, which is better left vacant than to be used as a community center).

Sadly, it was but one of many shitty (and, unfortunately, not unusual) days in human history that have happened before and since, where people do horrible things to other people (typically in the name of religion). Instead of effecting change for the better as it might have, all that day really managed to do was give a group of powerful people the justification they needed to scare a whole bunch of sheep into allowing them to invade another country (or two) and foment hate and racism throughout our fair land.

And today some megalomaniacal “pastor” of some shitty little cult in Florida will burn somebody else’s word of God in the name of his own God as some sort of twisted protest against a group of people being allowed to build a house of God, because it isn’t his God, and our brave “Fourth Estate” has elevated this moron and his inbred idiot followers to a level of pseudo-importance that must be beyond even Pastor Numbnutz’s wildest masturbatory, balloon-boy fantasies.

Just what the world needed – more hatred and bigotry.

So, congratulations America. This is what you’ve come to. You must feel so proud on your special day.