Nice that the weekend has finally arrived. It’s warm, even – already well above freezing – though it’s supposed to be rainy today, I think. The sump pump is already rumbling away, and it should be mighty busy this weekend. I don’t know if I’ll get around to it, but I need to grab some plywood to start my next project around here. If only there was some way to have it beamed from Home Depot to my workshop. That shit’s pretty heavy and awkward to maneuver with, and I’m starting to feel like a weak old geezer – never quite sure what twist or turn is gonna tweak some poor, long ignored and/or abused body part, making it painful and useless for a few days. This getting old shit sucks.

There are obvious reasons why getting old sucks, of course. There are the aches and pains, the failure of the brain to store the important shit (like where my keys are and “what did I come in here for again?”), while refusing to let go of the useless shit (like my high school locker combination, and the 96 frames per second HD video loop – with full 7.1 surround sound – of every moment of the time I asked that girl out in 11th grade and was utterly humiliated by her response; on the bright side, the bitch is dead now), and of course the whole being closer to death thing.

But, as any geezer can tell you, that’s not the half of it. There are a lot of more subtle disadvantages to getting old. Like, not being able to just go and take a piss without a lot of coaxing and cajoling and taking half the day (only to feel like you’ve gotta go again about 30 seconds after you’re done). And it takes a lot longer, too. I don’t know if there’s some filter in there someplace that needs to be replaced or cleaned out, or what, but damn.

When I was a kid, I used to piss so hard, my feet would hover off the ground an inch or two. I could drain a few gallons, and the whole process would take about eight seconds – twelve, if it was the first piss of the night at a bar, and I’d been holding back.

Now, I can only imagine that all that mighty internal plumbing has been replaced by some funky Rube Goldberg device, and I’m standing there staring at the tiles and killing time while the mouse takes the cheese causing the long line dominoes to fall over one at a time, eventually releasing the little ball which rolls round and round and round the track until finally…. Damn, that’s all?

It’s bad enough in the privacy of your own home (other than the internal debate as to whether or not it’s worth it to get out of bed, ‘cuz even though it feels as though your bladder is about to explode, you just know nothing much is gonna happen once you get there; ah, back in my youth, the toilet was a cold, stable friend to hold securely on to while waiting for the earth to stop spinning. Why has friend suddenly become nemesis?), but when you’re too old to work and too poor to quit, you have to deal with public rest rooms.

I hate public rest rooms. Mostly because the “public” consists of nasty stinky filthy goddamn people who apparently eat the most godawful substances, and then scurry in to work to shit it all out. Have these people no shame? And how can it possibly take so long for them to wash their hands? Jesus f*cking Krist, whattya prepping for surgery, buddy? Or did you shit all over your hands? Try using the toilet paper next time. I know it’s that horrible single-ply 30 grit sandpaper they stock in there, but, hey, until they put in a bidet, I guess that’s what you’re stuck with.

On a side note, have you ever seen people who brush and floss their teeth in the mens room sink? I mean, is it just me, or does that gross you the fuck out, too? :yuck:

And I’m all for adequate preparation, but could you please wait ’til you get up to the goddamn urinal before you start undoing stuff? When I’m there facing the tiles waiting for the goddamn mouse to hurry up and take cheese already!, it’s pretty disconcerting to hear a zipper go down from behind me (not that there’s anything wrong with that). And, here’s a clue for ya, you don’t need to undo your belt buckle to take a piss, ‘cuz you’re a dude! Seriously, go wait in line in the womens room if you need to start taking shit off to take a leak.

And go outside and shit in the dumpster, you nasty bastard.

Now, what was it I was saying? Oh hell, I can’t remember. I gotta go take a piss, anyway.

Happy holidays.