It’s April 1^st, which (around here, anyway) means it’s opening day of trout season. That means you’re sure to see dozens of ‘anglers’ in chest waders braving the cold (really cold) water to stand out in the snow and drizzle in hopes of catching some poor unsuspecting fish by the mouth with a hook, and then letting them suffocate to death before chopping their heads off, slitting them open, and squeezing their guts out. Or whatever they do. Not one for fishing, personally. But I’m a Vonnegut fan, so I consider this to be Kilgore Trout Day. So on behalf of Kilgore, Kurt, and Theodore Sturgeon, let me just say, “Up your ass with Mobil gas.”

You also have just two weeks to get your taxes filed. Mine are already done (have been, for a week or two), which I’m fairly certain is a personal record. My previous record was April 13, I think.

I shouldn’t complain, of course, but it never ceases to amaze me that I can get a fair chunk of change back from the feds, pay ungodly amounts of property taxes, and yet still owe NY State money. Goddamn unions.

I’m growing increasingly terrified of my financial situation, as, having reviewed the month of February yesterday, it appears I managed to spend about $100 more than I took in. This does not bode well for March, when the cash hemorrhage included my car insurance payment, an unexpected utility bill twice what it was the past month, the procurement of a spare sump pump, emergency generator, & new water heater, and probably a few other unexpected expenses that I’m no doubt mentally blocking, lest I go ahead and just kill myself – though not by drinking Drano, the way Kilgore Trout did after being informed by a psychic that dubya would win a second term as President by a 5-4 vote – and get it over with (but before I kill myself, you can be certain I’ll spend all my savings, max out the credit cards and go to minimum payments, and wait ’til I get the third eviction notice and the sheriff is at the door with the locksmith).

That’s all without putting away any money to pay the school taxes (which everybody assumes are going to increase dramatically from “too fucking much” to “way too fucking much” thanks to Governor Snotball and his insistence in preserving tax cuts for millionaires), and September is looming large on the horizon.

I guess I need to make some changes (first off, I need to become a millionaire – but there aren’t a lot of openings). Unfortunately, I already quit drinking beer, and there aren’t many other places to cut, except of course the teevee (but Curb is starting up soon – and True Blood in the summer; how can I give those up?), and spring is road kill season, so I reckon I should toss a few garbage bags in the trunk and start collecting sail rabbits to make stew with.

We’re on pellet heat only at this point, the water heater runs only twice a day for a total of three hours, there will be no more dental work for me, and I’ll just have to live with my glasses that are held together with tin tape and the wire from a twist tie (and of course the other pair that I can’t seem to find lately, held together with Gorilla Glue® and electrical tape).

It will be time to cash in my last remaining CD soon (which won’t mature until Jan 2012, so it’ll cost me a few bucks, and of course I’ll miss that 30 cents a month interest I’m earning on it), and we may need to feed the cats to the coyotes (don’t tell Granny that’s where they went, though).

“Cats? Why, no, now that you mention it, it has been a while since I’ve seen them.”

Not that they’re that expensive to keep, but I’ll be eating their food pretty soon, so it at least eliminates the competition – not that they like that ridiculously expensive crap they get, the ungrateful little bitches (or whatever you call female cats).

But spring is in the air (if, by “spring,” you mean “snow flurries”), and while it may be dark and rainy to start out April, those May flowers will be blooming before you know it (and I can start not being able to afford air conditioning, instead of not being able to afford heat).

And, hey, at least it’s Friday.