If you’re in the market for five shirts (say, to donate to your local homeless shelter or something), today’s Woot is for you. Five random sport shirts for $13 ($7.99 + $5 shipping). As for me, I’d just as soon not even have to wear a shirt today (at the risk of looking like a refugee from COPS, except I’m not drunk), ‘cuz it’s already hot. They’ve revised their forecast for today, and are predicting a high of 100°. A great day to not have to go to work (but then, what day isn’t?).

I’m having doubts that Granny would be able to protect me from a potential shaving cream pie attack (not that she wouldn’t be willing; I just don’t think she has the cat-like reflexes of Rupert Murdoch’s wife), so I’m looking at getting myself an Asian bride who’s 40 years younger than I am. However, in doing the math, it occurred to me that that would make her 10 years old. That just might, possibly, be slightly on the disgusting side (unlike the Wendi/Rupie nuptial situation, which of course doesn’t make the mockery of the institution of marriage that, say, two dudes who love each other would).

However, I think I have a solution (and maybe this is what Rupert did). If you wait ’til you’re an old fart, I’m reckoning that a young woman is pretty expensive to hook up with and, let’s face it, I just aint gonna have Rupert Murdoch’s money. So why not just adopt a Chinese (or a Hispanic or African-American) kid now? From what I understand, if they aren’t white and aren’t babies, you can get a pretty good deal on one (plus, if they’re a little bit older, you can put ’em to work right away).

So I’m thinking I can not only retire early, but will have somebody to take care of me in my old age.

Sadly, there might be some legal issues to work through (damn government regulation; why not let the free market work the way it’s supposed to?) none of that will help me right away. So I guess that means I’ve gotta go to work.

Stay cool.