It’s Sunday, so let’s talk about God. Not that we needed more, but there’s fresh evidence that God hates the Midwest and Country Music, as He struck down the stage at the Indiana State Fair yesterday in order to prevent “Sugarland” from appearing. There is a certain amount of suspicion that the attack was actually in response to Michele Bachmann’s impending win in the Iowa Straw Poll. You may wonder why God would kill people in Indiana to punish Iowa, and my response would be “how dare you question our Lord?” As it states in the Bible, “he who claim to knoweth the mind of God shalt be fuckethed.” Or fuckedeth. Or something like that. I didn’t actually attend Vacation Bible School when I was a kid, because I had “other priorities.”

Anyhow, both Iowa and Indiana begin with an ‘I’ and are in the same general location (i.e., west of NY and east of CA), and we all know God is more of a “horseshoes and hand grenades” kinda guy than a precision sniper.

Like how He kills military guys because He hates homosexuals, or how he fucks with Haiti because of all that voodoo shit (hey, sorry Dominican Republic – not like anybody forced you to live on the other end of that crappy little island), or how He sends hurricanes to the Gulf of Mexico because New Orleans is evil (not that He’s got the best of aim, as he keeps hitting Florida, Texas, Mississippi, etc.), or how he killed John Lennon because, um…. Remind me again, why’d He have to go and kill John Lennon? I forget, but I’m sure He had a really good reason.

I mean, He got pissed at the antics of the humans whom He created in His image (BTW, so much for the whole “God never fucks up” thing) and decided to wipe out every living creature on the planet in some sort of petulant frenzy (except, like, fish, who presumably didn’t even notice, and Noah and his family – buncha kissasses) with a flood. Gee, a little overkill there, or what?

Now, why Mister High-and-Mighty all-powerful didn’t just make everything disappear if he wanted to start over again, I dunno. I mean, He creates everything from scratch in the first place, but then he relies on some dude to build a bigass boat and collect two of each species, drowns everybody else (even little babies and stuff – what’d they ever do to piss Him off?), and then expects all those mating pairs to repopulate the planet?

WTF, was He just getting lazy in his old age?

Not to mention, he obviously didn’t get rid of the “bad genes” because people still pretty much suck (except for Pat Robertson. Or Jerry Falwell. I forget – which one of those is the fat white guy that croaked, and which is the one that’s not dead yet?). Of course since everything and everybody is inbred, what did He fucking expect (BTW, what with Adam and Eve’s kids and all, that’s twice with the inbreeding experiment there, God – three, if you count the British Royal Family; let’s face it, that’s just not a good idea, Dude)?

Plus, what did everybody eat whilst they were trying to get the population numbers back up? All that begetting takes a pretty fair amount of energy – seems like they’d have needed some decent caloric intake. I mean, the elephants alone eat, like 400 pounds of food a day – each – and it’s not like the crops weren’t ruined by all that damn rain (BTW, did Moses also grab a few seeds from every type of plant, too?). Maybe they just collected the fish that washed up as the waters receded. Do elephants eat fish?

Speaking of rain, has anybody ever calculated how much rain it would take to flood the planet (well of course they have)? Based on how long it takes to raise my pool level a couple inches, 40 days and 40 nights doesn’t seem like enough (though I’m sure God has a much bigger garden hose – so to speak – than I do).

How long would it take all that water to evaporate, anyway? Must’ve been really f*cking humid on the planet for, like years. Which would’ve made it really rainy, too. And stinky, with all those dead, rotting fish. Musta kinda sucked.

But we’re getting off topic here. The point is, God hates the Midwest. And Country Music (or at least that “popular” crap that people go to wearing $150 designer dungarees and brand new cowboy hats; God, however, is a huge Bluegrass fan – He loves that high lonesome sound – and is also quite fond of The Blues).

Based on the weather, He’s not too fucking happy with the Southwest, either. Actually, He seems to like fucking with the whole Bible Belt region most of the time. It’s almost as if he’s trying to smite the shit out of them. I wonder if He’s trying to send them a message? If so, hey, God, you gotta be a little more explicit. These people aren’t exactly quick on the uptake, knowimsayin’?.

It’s not their fault, though. I mean, look whose image they were made in.

Just a shame that while our Lord is going around sending cryptic messages and teaching lessons that are rather easily misinterpreted, He seems pretty indifferent to the suffering of the good (and the mediocre) and the innocent while He’s at it.

But, hey, that’s God for ya.