Funny, while we NYers (and by “NYers” I mean teachers, public employees, and anybody making less than a couple million dollars a year) have been admonished to tighten our belts, our hero, Governor Snotball, has been using State aircraft to fly back and forth to his girlfriend’s digs in Westchester. Not to worry, though – it’s all for “official business.” Given the hassles of driving back and forth to work, I, too, shall be using a State helicopter for my daily “official” commute. I believe my commute is more justified, because I don’t live in sin. I was dutifully (and legally) married by an ex-Priest (he hooked up with a nun and they both split the Catholic Church). Shame on you, Governor Andy. Shame. You just better stay the hell away from the NY State Fair at the end of the month, because we’ve already got one strike against us with Sugarland coming, and we don’t want God smiting the grandstand just to get even with you.

I did not win the Lottery this weekend, which comes as no surprise, as I didn’t buy tickets. It was bad enough when I routinely didn’t win the “Lotto” drawing, but then they added Mega Millions and now PowerBall, so it costs, like, $6 a week to be a loser, and I just don’t play any more.

Unfortunately, what with this being Monday and all, that means I have to go to work (and by the time Eric Cantor and President Perry get through with Social Security and Medicare, I’ll have to work until I drop dead). Not only do I have to go to work but, goddamn it, I have to work the entire 5 days this week. And I have the “support” duty and everybody is off, so I’m hung out to dry all week. And that just plain sucks.

So I’m adding a new plank to my Presidential Campaign Platform (I have not officially declared yet, but I intend to be a late, darkhorse entry; I will also not allow myself to be photographed going down on a corn dog – not that there’s anything wrong with that).

You may recall that the first plank is FDST – my Flexible Daylight Saving Time plan. Basically, we keep sunrise and sunset at a consistent time – say, 5:00 AM and 8:00 PM – all year long by “falling back” the appropriate amount of time in the wee hours of the morning, and “springing ahead” some time after noon. This way, the kiddies get lots of sunlight for waiting at the school bus stop, and there will still be lots of light left after work. I realize this will create a certain amount of hardship for those who work off shifts, so we’ll work out a fair and equitable compensation method (which will include cash, shorter work weeks, and/or additional, federally-mandated, vacation time; legislated vacation time is also part of my campaign. I’m thinking we’ll make it six weeks, not counting holidays, which will most certainly include St. Patrick’s Day – though that might be in lieu of Columbus Day; no offense to Italian Americans. We’ll celebrate an Italian who wasn’t a genocidal Kristian zealot. Marconi, maybe?).

Schools, BTW, will be funded by another idea of mine – the RHFI or “Robin Hood Funding Initiative” – which will be Federal Wealth Taxes (not income taxes, mind you) collected from the wealthiest 1% of all Americans. Instead of counting only some oddly defined sources of “income” designed to shelter the rich, a person’s overall wealth will be calculated (real estate, mutual funds, stocks, bonds, yachts, cash, foreign holdings, etc.). Any attempt to hide assets will result in mandatory prison time (in a real prison – to be paid for by assets confiscated from the offender). Over time, this will become rare, because we’ll have a well-publicized “competition” every year to determine who is eligible to become a “One Per-Center,” which will be considered glamorous and a huge honor. And patriotic. Rather than driving fancy cars, the “elite” class will be known by their green tights.

But, anyway, my new plank is the “working donut hole.” Basically, those of us who work for a living will have the option of taking our retirement while we’re still relatively young and healthy. Say, from about the age of 50, give or take (we’ll establish a minimum number of years you have to work to be eligible – like 25 or 30 or something). Your paper route and summer jobs and all that will count toward your total, of course, and shitty jobs will accrue bonus time (if, say, you take a job cleaning toilets, you earn 1.5 days of “donut time” for every day you work).

Jobs like being Governor of Texas will only get you .25 days for every day you’re at work (and not “in office” because that’s just a part time job). If you run a Christian Counseling Center, you have to keep working until you actually pray your gay away (or you drop dead and go to hell – whichever comes first).

You can then take a break from working for a number of years equivalent to the number of years you accrued while in the “pre-hole” workforce. So, let’s say you take your “donut break” (catchy, eh?) at 50, and you’ve got 30 years in. You get to retire until you’re 80 (your retirement will be funded by the RHFI, of course), and then when you’re old and bored and looking for a little diversion, you go back to work (you’ll be matched up to something based on your skills and interests; no slave labor, unless you want it – or have been trying to hide your assets).

Of course, if you want to, say, stop at 50, take 5 years off, then work for a couple years, take some more time off, etc., that’ll be OK, too.

I have more ideas, of course, but they’ll have to wait for another time, as I have to get ready to get out there and earn my donut hole.