I haven’t been doing my due diligence in reporting on what’s going on at the NYS Fair, and for that, I apologize. I can tell by the lack of comments that you’re all quite disappointed, so I’ll try to make amends. Today, it’s the North American Draft Horse Championship. I don’t profess to know a lot about horses in general, or draft horses specifically. The only info that I can pass along is what I found out, long, long ago – if your stirrups are adjusted too long so that your feet don’t reach them, you’re in for a very, very bumpy ride. Especially when the lead horse decided to bolt and gallop away wildly, and the heretofore all-but-dead nag that they put you on because you’ve never ridden before decided to relive her youth and not only follow, but pass that sucker and make it first back to the barn. If you can’t stand up in the stirrups, here’s what happens: when the horse is on the way down, you’re on the way up, and when the horse is on the way up, your ass is headed down at maximum velocity. My butt still hurts, and that was probably 30 years ago. Let’s just say I now prefer to admire horses from afar (or at least from the ground).

Anyhow, as a Fairgoer from years past, the one thing I can tell you is that draft horses are really, really, really f*cking big. Like, 19 hands and 2,000 pounds. Having no idea whatsoever what hands are, I had to look it up, and hands are 4 inches. I have no idea how they measure horses, so I had to look that up, too. Apparently, you measure them to the top of the withers. No idea what the hell withers are, so that required another trip to the Google (whatever did we do before the Internet? I guess we just remained ignorant. Not that we’re any less ignorant now, really; we just know more). Anyhow, withers, I guess are the top of the shoulder-blade. So 19 hands would be, like 6’4″ from the ground to the shoulder (why they can’t just say that in the first place, I dunno; must be secret code).

So that would mean the horse’s shoulder would be about 7 inches over my head, and the top of his (or her) head would be, well, way the f*ck up there.

Any way you measure it, that’s a big goddamn horse – and one you don’t want stepping on your foot.

As if that wasn’t enough, Sugarland will be appearing at the Grandstand here at “Nashville North” tonight. Sugarland, you may recall, is so despised by God that he cursed the Indiana State Fair and destroyed the stage rather than allowing them to perform.

Here in godless NY, however, we aren’t expecting any trouble thanks to our large number of atheists, as well as our business-killing regulations and adherence to “construction standards.”

Speaking of the NYS Fair, I went to the stove store yesterday. In fact, we were the only people at the store. And the kind lady there informed us that a lot of their stoves were “at the Fair,” which is something I hadn’t actually given any thought to. Anyhow, the bad news is that they had no chimney liner in stock, so I had to order it. The worser news is that 25′ of stainless steel flex pipe plus a chimney cap is $350. Having looked around online a bit, I don’t think I can do much better, so I guess I’m stuck. A bummer. Oh well. It’s only money, right?

Speaking of money, I finally pulled the plug and ordered by bucket-mounted snowplow. Since I’m anxious to get it as soon as possible, I waited until the Friday night before a holiday weekend to order it. I’m sure they began processing it immediately. Well, what the hell. It’s not like I need it right away. I hope. 😯 In fact, I’m kinda hoping that just the act of ordering it will mean an extraordinarily snow-free winter.

Oh well, time to go and crawl underneath my car and see if I can find the O₂ sensor that’s going bad.