I now feel camaraderie with Herman Cain. Yes, it’s true: my wife comes up to my chin, too. Also, I like pizza (though it’s been quite some time since I’ve had a slice – wink, wink, nudge, nudge). As if that weren’t coincidence enough, Herman is the brother who ran Godfather Pizza, and my brother is my godfather. Pretty eerie, eh?

In other Cain awesomeness, Herm has broken the story on the Chinese nuclear program. Turns out they have aspirations of developing nuclear capability. This is disturbing news, made even more shocking by the fact that, in their pursuit of nukes, the Chinese have apparently developed a time machine and gone back into time to 1964, allowing them to develop and create a 47 year old stockpile of nuclear weapons.

Now we know why Chinese scientists earlier this year claimed to “prove” that time travel was impossible: they were trying to throw the rest of us off track. Of course, I knew that was bullshit at the time, because anybody who’s ever watched Star Trek knows that tachyons travel faster than the speed of light.

Clearly, Herman Cain has what it takes to be President: brains, courage, vision, and a short wife. Or, as Ann Coulter would say,

…our blacks are so much better than their blacks

Yes, it’s true. In fact – ashamed as I am to admit it – I don’t even have any blacks. Damn crappy economy.

So, as Ann says, you goddamn liberal racists (like Jon Stewart. If you don’t believe me – or Ann – just ask civil rights champion Donald Trump) better knock it off with your high-tech lynching.

Appearing on Hannity’s show Monday night, Coulter agreed that the Cain story is a “high-tech lynching,” adding that “it’s coming from the exact same people who used to do the lynching with ropes, now they do it with a word processor.”

Yes. One of those high-tech word processor thingies. Most likely a Radio Shack TRS-80. Or maybe a Commodore Plus/4.

Bad news for you women winos out there. A new study says drinking – even in moderation – increases your risk of breast cancer. Of course, drinking in moderation is good for your heart. But, hey, you need to set your priorities (besides, their definition of “moderation” is about two cases of beer less than mine).

Hard to believe, but it’s been two whole weeks since our last biweekly meeting at work. Exciting as these meetings are in general, today’s will be even more thrilling as it’s being held in – get this – not only a different conference room than usual, but actually on a whole different floor! And on a floor I don’t normally go to (the first floor; we only actually have two in my building), except occasionally the mens room down there, but only if I have something particularly nasty to work on.

Anyhow, I better get going a bit earlier than usual so I can make myself beautiful.