It’s December 23^rd, which means the post-Christmas sales are in the works. And Mitt Romney got an early Xmas present, with the endorsement of Bush the First. I wonder if Jr will endorse somebody. He won the Iraq War, single-handedly killed Osama, balanced the budget, lowered taxes, and there were no terrorist attacks{{t}}[[t]]Except the ones that were Clinton’s fault, which they would’ve prevented had they only know when, where, and how they were gonna happen. F*ckin’ Clinton.[[t]] on his watch, so I think getting the nod from him would be pretty impressive.

Speaking of impressive, engineers at the Missouri University College of Engineering have invented a “plasma torch toothbrush” that breaks up plaque (and maybe even will light your barbecue grill).

If you’re like me, you’re thinking, “I didn’t know they had dentists in Missouri – let alone engineers.”

Also impressive, a mother and her 17-yr old daughter gave birth on the same day{{b}}[[b]]And it wasn’t even in Missouri, though it was in NJ, which is kind of the Missouri and/or Mississippi of the Northeast.[[b]].

Isn’t that…um…nice?

Notice how there’s no mention of the father(s) in that story (or in the picture)?

Be funny if both had the same father, wouldn’t it? And they both know, but they don’t know they know, and they live with the father (but only as “friends”), and he knows, but he doesn’t know they know and they don’t know he knows, and everybody’s trying to keep everybody else from finding out, but they’re white and the father’s black, and so are the kids (plus all three have heads shaped like Stewie from Family Guy), and everybody’s always pretending not to notice, but their wacky married gay next door neighbors (who know, because they’re like, BFFs with the mothers and they always confide in each other about everything{{c}}[[c]]But never at the same time, and they’re sworn to secrecy.[[c]] – though the father doesn’t really like them because he’s vaguely homophobic{{h}}[[h]]But is “evolving” on the issue.[[h]] and is always lamenting the fact that his kids will turn out “fruity” but not in front of the mothers, because they don’t know he knows, ya know?) who babysit all the time because the mothers are stewardesses for Pan-Am{{p}}[[p]]The one gay guy custom tailors their uniforms (ironically, it’s the “butch” one. His flamboyant partner is a Native American Ironworker – named, in an homage to Mary McDonnell’s role in Dances with Wolves, “Speaks with a Lisp” – which opens the door for many hilarious “light in the loafers” jokes) so they always look better than all the other stewardesses. And, yes, I said stewardesses, because this takes place back in the good old days before “flight attendants” when stewardesses were young, beautiful, and skinny. And definitely not men. And they would never tell Alec Baldwin to turn off his cell phone – mostly because they hadn’t invented cell phones yet.[[p]] (but one – the mom/grandma – is also a spy for the CIA, and looks like Valerie Plame) and the father is a pilot (named Roger Murdock), are always making cracks that make everybody squirm uncomfortably.

I mean, would that be a great teevee show or what? Imagine the Christmas special, where the kids and the gay couple all fly to Paris{{p2}}[[p2]]Resulting in several “Gay Paree” jokes, of course.[[p2]] for the holidays and the mothers and the father are all part of the fight crew, and the one mother (the Valerie Plame one) has to steal secret documents from the Algerian Embassy in Paris that prove Iran is importing yellow cake Uranium from Niger{{y}}[[y]]In the end, it turns out to be a merry mixup, because the Shah of Iran – this was back in the old days, remember? – is actually trying to import a yellow wedding cake for his daughter Shahnaz’s wedding from a world famous Nigerian baker, and it’s not even a Nigerian from Niger, but a Nigerian from Nigeria – which is, what, like a Nigeriaian? – so to make up for the mistake, the US promises the Shah that if he ever gets cancer he can come to the US for treatment, ‘cuz, like, what could possibly go wrong with that?[[y]].

Except gay people couldn’t get married back when Pan-Am still existed and I’m pretty sure black people weren’t allowed to be pilots back then (except for maybe Kareem Abdul-Jabbar).

But, hey, poetic license, right?