I’ve been giving a lot of thought to those poor parental units out there, faced with school closings and class size increases and all that. So I’ve come up with what I’m calling the “Responsible Breeding Act of 2012.” It is, if I do say so myself, a rather elegant solution. My only regret is not having it prepared in time for Gabby Giffords to introduce it on her last day in office (which I’m pretty certain would have ensured enactment).

There are a couple of facets to this legislation that are required to make it work. First, there’s a little bit of tax relief for those people who don’t actually have kids in public school. If you have a kid in school, you have to pay $500 per year per kid for every year your kid goes to public school. That money will be pooled and distributed evenly to all households that pay school taxes (maximum household income limits for rebates, and corporations are not eligible), but don’t actually have kids in school.

Of course, that, in and of itself, isn’t really viable. What with the cost of getting a kid started being pretty cheap, lots of people that have kids won’t have the bucks to pony up for the school fee (never mind money for books, food, clothes, etc.). That’s where the real meat and potatoes (or, rather, eggs and mayonnaise) of the RBA come in.

All adolescent males will need to provide sperm (they’re doing it anyway, so we – and by “we” I mean somebody other than “me” – might as well collect it). This will be frozen, tested for viability, healthiness, etc., and securely stored. Once there is a sufficient supply (I figure a gallon ought to do it; should take the average 13-yr old about six weeks), the males will be sterilized.

Oh, I know, that sounds harsh. But think about it. Teen pregnancy will be reduced to near zero, abortions will be extraordinarily rare, and the “deadbeat dad” problem will be all but eliminated. Frankly, guys can’t relied upon to be responsible and shouldn’t be trusted with live ammunition.

Now, in order to pay for sperm collection, storage, and eventual insemination, people desiring to procreate will need to obtain a breeding permit. There’ll be an application process requiring prospective breeders to prove financial stability and fitness to parent (perhaps take some classes), and would also require a background check and mental screening. This won’t totally prevent unstable or abusive people from becoming parents, but it should help.

In addition to the basic permit fee, prospective breeders will be required to provide a deposit equivalent to five years worth of school fees. This deposit will be returned if the child dies or is otherwise unable to attend public school, and will also be returned if the kid graduates from school on time (refund reduced for each year held back). Oh, and every kid has to get a puppy (kitties optional, but encouraged) from the shelter by their fourth birthday at the latest.

So, there you have it. A solution for unwanted pregnancy, overpopulation, overcrowded schools, teen pregnancy, and abortion. Incentive for parents to stay involved in their kids’ school work and see to it they graduate on time. Tax relief. Reduction of the human carbon footprint. Rampant fornication without consequences (well, other than STDs and whatnot). And puppies.

Everybody wins. :pup:

Oh, I know what you’re thinking. This plan favors the wealthy and discriminates against the poor. And I say, yes, you’re right, it does. I don’t know if you’ve looked around out there, but life favors the wealthy and discriminates against the poor. Bummer, but that’s how it goes.

I also readily admit that if this plan had been in place 50+ years ago, I wouldn’t be here right now. I think, somehow, the world would have survived.

Also, this plan puts all the onus on the male of the species, in terms of not reproducing. Again, that’s correct. While I admit that it takes two to tango, only one gets the option to walk away when the music stops. And that’s the one that need to take some responsibility upfront, ‘cuz we can’t trust him to do it after the fact.