I heard a story on NPR on the way in this morning about a problem that is simply becoming epidemic: swallowing powerful magnets. Yes, apparently this is a big deal. It seems like a no-brainer that you should keep “powerful” magnets away from your kids (or your dogs, for that matter). But apparently swallowing magnets isn’t just for kids these days. It appears that grownups (or at least post-pubescents) are swallowing magnets at alarming rates as well. Why? Apparently, the shove a magnet in their cheeks, and then use them to “simulate piercings” by, one would presume, sticking studs and pins and other metal objects to the side of their face (I assume you could shove a magnet up your nose as well, if you were so inclined). As I think we can all attest to, if you keep something in your mouth long enough, sooner or later you’re gonna swallow it. So remember the first rule of oral hygiene, never stick anything in your mouth smaller than your elbow (unless it’s firmly attached to a loved one, of course).

This of course reminds me of “cow” magnets. If you don’t know, cows tend to eat all kinds of shit when they’re grazing (nails, barbed wire, screws, staples, etc.), so farmers stick a magnet in their food, which winds up settling down in stomach compartment number one (aka, the “rumen”). This catches all the metal stuff that the cow might eat, and keeps it from proceeding down the old alimentary canal and wreaking havoc elsewhere. And no, I’m not making that up.

You’d think if it’s good enough for a cow, it’s good enough for a kid, but I guess not. The problem, it seems, is when you swallow multiple magnets, and they kind of clump together and get stuck. Or something.

I dunno, just keep the magnets off your dinner plates tomorrow. We’d ahte to see you get stuck to the refrigerator.