It is an astonishing 35 degrees (above) out there at the moment. That’s the first time it’s been above freezing in longer than I can remember (which isn’t saying much, ‘cuz I’m old and can’t remember shit these days). Unfortunately, in looking at the radar, there appears to be a wall-o-snow headed our way. The weather dude says this demarks an approaching “Arctic Cold Front” that will drop temps back down to single digits once again. Oh goodie.

Hey, did you catch that Pro Bowl last night? Me neither. But this morning I remembered they played last night, so I went looking for the score. “Team Rice” vs. “Team Sanders”? WTF is that? Isn’t Col. Sanders dead? Is this no longer the NFC vs. AFC? Well, it appears to have been a close game so maybe it’s for the best.

While I missed the Pro Bowl, I did catch a significant portion of “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” biopic yesterday morning (why, exactly, I don’t know – like not being able to turn away from a car wreck, I guess), and while there presumably may have been a few historical inaccuracies here and there, I found it to be quite an illuminating and even enlightening motion picture.

Not to toot my own horn, but I should point out that when I was a kid, I was somewhat of a Civil War buff. I mean, I didn’t (and don’t) dress up in a Union blue uniform and march around reenacting the Battle of Bull Run (first or second) or anything. I can’t name all the battles or describe in detail Pickett’s Charge against General Meade’s forces on Cemetery Ridge – though I could once recite the Gettysburg Address from memory. About all I can manage these days is the first line.

But, anyway, suffice it to say that while I’m not exactly Doris Kearns Goodwin, I know a thing or two about Abe Lincoln. At least, I thought I did. Turns out there are a lot of things about Lincoln and the Civil War that the lamestream media don’t want you to know about.

For instance, did you know that Abe had a black BFF that he’d known since childhood and hung out with all through his time as President? Me neither. But I guess that explains why he did all that emancipatin’.
Then there’s Mary Todd Lincoln, who wasn’t the porky sourpuss history (and every actual photo I’ve ever seen) makes her out to be. She was actually pretty darn cute (and young-looking – by the Battle of Gettysburg when she’d have been about 45 years old, she looked like a 27-yr old movie actress). That Abe was one lucky dude (well, except for the whole getting shot in the head thing).

Mary was also pretty gutsy and resourceful. History would have you believe she spent her time as first lady fighting with Congress trying to get money to buy new rugs for the White House and get the furniture reupholstered, but it turns out, she was right there on the battlefield at Gettysburg (I think it was Gettysburg – I wasn’t actually paying real close attention) and loaded a Springfield with a silver something or other chain and shot a raging vampire (a pretty hot undead babe in her own right) smack dab in the middle of the forehead.

This was the same vampire who pretended to be a White House maid (didn’t realize they had any white maids back then, but there ya go) and did some kind of vampirey thing to Willie, causing him to wither and die. So she had it coming.

Vampires of the time, by the way, were apparently OK with being out in the daylight. But they really didn’t like silver, so Abe had the Union Army collect silver from the citizenry so it could be melted down into bullets and cannon balls and axeheads (Abe was pretty handy with an axe, by the way) and whatnot.

Oh, that’s another thing – the Vamps. They were apparently in cahoots with Jefferson Davis and the confederacy. I never knew this, but it does explain Strom Thurmond, who lived to be about 187 years old until somebody finally had the good sense to stake the fucker.

Well, crap. Look like the wall-o-snow is just about here. This could be a pain in the ass commute.