I’ve never had anything against Denmark. Other than Hamlet, who really spends time thinking about the not so great Danes? Now, however, I have to say fuck you to Denmark in general and the Copenhagen zoo in particular. That’s about all I can bring myself to say about the giraffe, other than there was no fucking reason for it. Moving along….

Apparently some kid who plays football for Missouri has come out of the closet and is openly gay – and very likely to be the first openly gay NFL player. So good for him – and good for his teammates, who he apparently told last year, and who apparently don’t give a shit (and why would they).

I never heard of him (no surprise there – it’s rare I know of any college player who doesn’t play for SU, unless it’s some asshole like what’s his name who won the Heisman last year or that Jesus-loving guy who was a quarterback that throws the ball like my sister. Scratch that – my sister doesn’t have a lot of range, but she can at least throw a spiral), but he’s apparently good (which means the Jets will probably draft him and then trade him to the Browns for Brandon Weedon or something really dumb like that).

In this morning’s game of “what’s wrong with me today?” the big winner is: my right elbow. I had some pain in my elbow towards the end of last week (by “some pain” I mean if I touched the pointy part, it felt as though somebody was jabbing me with an ice pick), but over the weekend things escalated. It hurts to both bend it and to straighten it out (still hurts to touch, too). Makes putting on a shirt or a jacket rather painful (but, hey, who needs a jacket this time of year, right?).

The pain has now radiated up into my upper arm, which is just aching pretty much all the time. Fortunately, it’s my right arm, which I only use for, like, everything.

I’m going with tendonitis on this one – and most definitely work-related. Particularly after reading the “5 Weird Things Your Desk Job May Be Doing To Your Body” story at the Huff Post. Though I’m not sure “weird” is the adjective I’d use. I’d have probably titled the article, “How Your Desk Job is Fucking Killing You One Piece at a Time.”

After I read it, I found I was in the “Oprah Winfrey” section of the Huff Post (which I didn’t realize existed), so I’m not sure if I’m allowed to have these complaints or not (also explains #3 on the list “The area between your neck and your bra strap is a wall of tension”).

Yeah it is.

In fact, I pretty much have everything on the list (other than I don’t need a bra – yet).

From there I moseyed on over to another list (they love their lists) – “14 Little Ways To Make Your Spouse’s Day”

1) In the winter, start the car while your spouse is getting ready for work. Nothing beats a nice, toasty car on an ice-cold morning.

We have a garage – what, they want us to get carbon monoxide poisoning?

2) Kiss first thing in the morning before you even get out of bed. There’s no better way to start the day!

First, yeah, there is a better way to start the day, and if I woke my wife up for that, I’d probably get punched in the face.

3) Greet your husband or wife at the front door as soon as he or she gets home from work — or anywhere.

This is what we have dogs for.

4) Hide little gifts around the house. Treasure hunt, anyone?

The dogs and cats hide enough “little gifts” around the house as it is.

5) Carry the laundry baskets to and from the laundry room when your wife is pregnant (or any time, really).

I do my laundry, she does hers. If she carried may laundry basket to the laundry room, I’d never be able to find it.

6) Text each other from work in the morning just to say “I love you” and “Have a great day”.

We do this – except our texts are usually something like “I hate this fucking place.”

7) Stock the fridge with your spouse’s favorite food or drink.

Far be it for me to argue with that one.

8) Bring your love breakfast in bed. Because breakfast eaten underneath a comforter always tastes the best.

It’s a pain in the ass to sit in bed and eat. I prefer a table. Besides, who wants crumbs working their way up into all your crevasses?

9) Make the coffee in the morning. Bonus points if you put out the cream and sugar, just the way your spouse likes it.

We’ve come to the stage in our marriage where, I’m afraid, we have made the move to separate coffee makers. And if either one of us took our coffee with anything in it other than coffee, we’d have never gotten married in the first place.

10) Have an early morning cuddle session. If the dog jumps in, all the better.

Yeah, you can toss a couple cats in there, too.

11) Put a sweet Post-it note in your spouse’s lunch box. A simple midday “I love you” will instantly turn your husband or wife’s frown upside-down.

I only bring a thermos of soup-type stuff. A post-it note would get all slimy and nasty.

12) Write a cute message in dry erase marker on the bathroom mirror. It puts a smile on your spouse’s face before he or she even gets in the shower!

Smile? More like “what’s this shit all over the mirror that I now have to clean up?”

13) If you have small kids, get up first and change the baby’s morning diaper.

First one up let’s the dogs out. Close enough, right?

14) Make dinner and do the dishes.

We’re kinda “do-it-yourselfers.” I bought her a dishwasher, that should count.

Oh, crap. Getting late. Guess I better get going.