I’ve never been a soccer fan. Not of watching it, anyway. Playing in gym class was fun, especially if you were a defender and got to spend half the game standing around watching what was going on on the other end. “D” was where I played, because even when I was young and could run, I wasn’t exactly what you’d call fast. Watching, well, for me that leaves a lot to be desired.

They kick the ball all the way down the field and then the other team kicks it the other way, and back and forth it goes and then once or twice a game (or match, I guess I should say) somebody scores and there is much rejoicing. Not my thing. IMHO, if you have a sport where you don’t actually control the item of play in your hands or in a stick or something, you need to play it in a smaller venue than a 12 acre field – this is why, for instance, the MISL is much more entertaining than FIBA. Soccer in a hockey rink – the only thing that would make it more entertaining would be if they kept the ice. But I don’t resent other people who like it.

Which is more than I can say about Ann Coulter, who apparently hates not only soccer but also anybody that enjoys soccer. It’s some kind of socialist plot, ostensibly because it’s team sport with no individual glory (or shame) unlike American sports. Plus there’s not enough scoring (I’ll give her that one).

Though I didn’t get past freshman football in school, I can honestly tell you, Ann, that there’s not a lot of glory for an offensive tackle. Shame, maybe, if you happen to be holding on a touchdown or something, but that’s about it.

Of course, Ann looks like somebody who got made fun of so badly in gym class that she decided to go for gender reassignment surgery in hopes of not being picked last at field hockey or something.

I’m sure that what brother Ann really doesn’t like about soccer is all the goddamn foreigners that seem to love it. A lot of them aren’t even white, fer chrissakes!

But it’s a low-cost sport that anybody in any shithole place like Pakistan, Somalia, or West Texas can play. I mean all you need is a flat spot and a ball (or maybe a decapitated head if you’re in Afghanistan) and you’re good to go. It’s not like they can afford a lot of equipment to play football (or even worse, hockey – if your kid decides to play hockey, you’re screwed ‘cuz between the skates and pads and helmets, you better be prepared to take out a second mortgage).

Though I’m sure Ann hates hockey, too, ‘cuz it’s the sport of those socialists to the north (look on the bright side though, Ann – the Canadians call it “soccer,” too).

But, anyway, despite Ann’s disapproval, the World Cup ratings are sky high(ish) and ‘merica has caught Futball Fever, which I expect to last until the USA loses in the next round, and people realize that you can’t lose and keep advancing forever.

Then we can all go back to watching American sports, like the one where if you get a hit 1 time out of 3, you’re a Hall-of-Famer. Assuming you weren’t having somebody give you a shot of HGH in the ass or something – ‘cuz this is American, man. Cheating is fine, but getting caught is shameful.