A while back I heard somebody talking about how toilet paper hadn’t been significantly changed since 1890 when brothers Clarence and E. Irvin Scott put it on a roll. It may not be a perfect product, but it would seem to be pretty much as good as it’s gonna get (assuming we Americans don’t adopt the bidet style of – and I read this phrase while doing research on this topic – “anal cleansing”). Never fear, though, because when it comes to wiping your ass, Adam Smith’s invisible hand is always ready to reach out.
Along those lines, I got a free sample in the mail yesterday (addressed specifically to me, which makes me wonder what they know about me that I don’t know) for something called Cottonelle “CleanCare,” which appears to basically be moist towelettes for your ass.
This isn’t so much a new idea as the re-marketing of an old failed one that preceded the Scott brothers invention by about three decades. Back in 1857, Joseph Gayetty came out with aloe-infused sheets of manila hemp dispensed from Kleenex-like boxes. Gayetty claimed they prevented hemorrhoids.
Apparently these things didn’t catch on at the time because the Sears catalog was free and people couldn’t see paying for something that you couldn’t even read.
Now, while flush toilets were invented quite some time ago, I don’t know how prevalent they were back in the mid 19th century, but obviously one thing we need to worry about these days is “flushability.” These CleanCare things claim to be flushable, but I’ve read reviews claiming they plug up the sewer line. And since I’m on a septic system, I don’t think I’ll be taking the risk on these.
Once you’ve been ankle deep in human sewage in your basement, you tend to be a little gun shy.
Next time I eat wings or spare ribs, though, I’ll definitely break these suckers out. I may not want to wipe my ass with them, but I’ll give ’em a try on my face.
The other interesting thing was the notice inside the package inviting me to visit Cottonelle’s FAcbook page to “talk about my bum.” Now, I know there are a lot of assholes on Facebook, but I see no reason to seek them out, and I certainly don’t want to talk with and/or about them.
Whatever will they think of next?
IFC renews Maron for a third season.
When does the iWipe issue?
You don’t want to share your biometrics with your friends?
I was thinking this iWatch is going to become more of a medical device than a daily accessory. It would be a lot more convenient to send cardiac info to the cardiologist than sporting one of those doggon halters.
BTW some less forward places than ‘Merica have you put your wipey wipey’s in a trash can rather than down the sewage pipeline. Never thought that was too groovy for sanitation, but does wonders for the septic.
Yeah, well the Android watches have the pulse monitors and all that, but personally I think you’d be better off with a dedicated device for that kind of stuff, rather than something masquerading as a watch. And to me, the Apple thing just has too much going on to really be useful (I say that knowing it will become wildly popular, of course).
I think I like the Google Wear approach to these things better. Their idea is that since these things are tied to a phone anyway, you really don’t want a whole lot of crap running on there – just the stuff you want to want to see and deal with w/o pulling the phone out of your pocket.
Text message? Just let me read it and maybe a selection of short, standard replies (OK, I’ll get back to you later, etc.). Phone call? Let me ignore it from my watch or decide to answer it. Package from Amazon shipped? Cool. Traffic alert, weather update, appointment reminder, don’t forget to by anal cleansing wipes on the way home? Check, check, check, and check.
But maps on a 2″ screen? Not if I have my phone with me. Camera? Microphone? Only for covert operations. All those freakin’ icons? I’m lucky if my fat fingers can hit the right buttons on a phone, never mind that little screen.
All of these things need better battery life and more functionality without the phone before I’d spend that kind of money on them, though. So far, the Moto 360 looks the best, but LG is supposed to be coming out with a round watch, so I’m interested in the details on that.
To me, these look a lot more like something I’d want to wear.
You’re telling me. Spent some time in Crete in 1976. They didn’t even have ‘thrones’ to sit on and tp was a Jetsons dream. Those waste cans took some getting used to even for a West Virginia boy like meself. No wonder the Greeks hated the Germans and craved getting into the Common Market. I wonder how that’s working out for them?
Been a little quiet. I guess this topic tanked and everyone is still in line at the Apple store®. Maybe a change of subject is doo. Well, not yet. As far as I could determine, at least Cottonelle® isn’t a koch paper and neither is Charmin®. I bring up Mr. Whipple’s finest because being an internets viewer of MSNBC I am exposed to a lot of their commercials featuring animated bears that talk about “enjoying the go” which I find disturbing but a little less so than the prior ones with the young bear frolicking with little white ‘remnants’ on his bum. As for Scott® they still manufacture the 1K panel single-ply rolls that are probably the most septic-tank friendly as tp goes. Of course, where I live flushing is about to be outlawed altogether but as mentioned before, I have experience with those eventualities.
So now maybe it’s time to change the sheets, turn the other cheek. It’s another football Saturday so I hope it’s a good one for Orange everywhere (as I ponder the SF Giants ever changing wild card possibilities). I just hope Mr. Fk doesn’t do OU Sooner road trips. Mountaineer Field at Milan Puskar Stadium, Morgantown, West Virginia might be one war zone too many. I hear the crowd is a little rough like pages of the Sears catalog.
Meanwhile, I am not so sure that ‘aloe-infused sheets of manila hemp dispensed from Kleenex-like boxes’ isn’t an idea whose time has finally come, at least is some states and territories. If we all got on it, we could be flush.