I always occasionally wondered why they refer to going from not drinking to drinking as “going off the wagon.” Seems to me more like you’re getting back on the wagon when you start pounding ’em down again. I guess maybe it’s ‘cuz you have to get off your horse and get into the wagon or something (this guy says it comes from the early 20th Century when they used to have a water wagon go around and wet the streets to keep the dust down, implying that if you were “on the water wagon” then you were abstaining from alcohol, though Snopes poo-poos that claim, and says it’s more likely a variant of “on the bandwagon” – as in on the temperance bandwagon).

Either way, I can’t think of a more miserable place to be, as it often epitomized in movies and teevee by the dour, sourpuss members of the temperance movement (particularly, though not exclusively, soldiers of the Salvation Army) mostly portrayed by hefty Irish women (presumably they’d grown tired of their shiftless husbands spending all the house money on booze) and mousy self-righteous men.

Better to laugh with the sinners and all that, though a life of drinking doesn’t typically last long.

Of course, there’s drinking and then there’s drinking. I always figured as long as you weren’t knocking down a fifth of vodka every night, you were doing OK. But I’ve been doing a bit of research into what’s considered excessive drinking, and, I dunno – who comes up with this shit? Not the folks I’ve generally run with, that much is certain.

For instance, they (whoever “they” are) say it’s OK for you to have two drinks every day (if you’re a guy – the ladies only get one), or you can have up to four a day, but only up to 14 in a week. And you’re not even allowed to have all 14 on, say, Saturday night. Just the four.

Who knew?

I have to say, this seems rather preposterous to me – especially as it applies to beer. I mean, six shots of whiskey? Yeah, that seems like a lot. A six-pack over the course of an evening before bed? Doesn’t seem all that excessive to me (I mean, why the hell else would they sell them in multiples of six?). I’ve always figured if you can keep track of how many you’ve had, you haven’t had too many.

So, as dangerous (or unhealthy or whatever) as this alcohol stuff appears to be (in contrast to every beer commercial I’ve ever seen), why does the government think that’s OK, yet consider smoking pot to be not only be a criminal offense, but a Schedule One drug on a par with Heroin, LSD (which gets a bad wrap, but I would agree it’s not something you wanna use to wind down with after work), and Ecstasy?

I mean, cocaine is Schedule Two, Vicodin is Schedule Three, Valium is Schedule Four, and friggin’ Robitussin with Codeine is Schedule Five. You know what isn’t on the schedule? Alcohol, that’s what (or tobacco, for that matter).

So here is my demand: either legalize pot, or tell me it’s OK to drink as much beer as I want. Those are the two choices – and I need a determination by about 5:00 tonight, so let’s get rolling (so to speak).