Now that fall is here and election day is approaching, it’s time for our incumbent NYS government officials to play, “buy me some votes.” Oh, there’s the usual pork offerings of course, but this year (and for the next three years, I believe) there’s a little something special for some NYers. And it’s kind of a two-fold thing. First, if you have kids 17 and under (and make between $40,000 and $300,000 a year), you’re gonna get a check for $350. Because those of us without kids aren’t getting screwed quite enough. And because if you make less than $40K and have kids, well, fuck you too I guess. OK, that takes care of people who have voluntarily (assuming they don’t work for Hobby Lobby, of course) decided to inflict themselves (and the rest of us) with children. But wait, isn’t there another group of victims we can help out?

Why yes, yes there is: rich people. Assuming you live in one of the vast majority of NY school districts that stayed under the 2% property tax cap, presumably by doing something like “my” school district did – namely shoving a needless $18.5 million off-budget school renovation referendum down our throats (and may I just say, VOTE NO! on October 18) that will cost me, personally, about $125 next year – you’re gonna get a check for the difference between this year’s property tax bill and the year before.

For instance, in my district, property taxes “only” went up about 1.25%. So if your tax bill was, say, $4,000 last year, it would have been $4,050 this year – and Governor Snotball will cut you a check for $50. Sweet, right?

Of course, if you’re Elmer J. Fudd, half-millionaire (the cutoff for this deal is $500,000), and own a mansion and a yacht and had a $40,000 property tax bill last year, you’re gonna get $500 (on top of that $350 breeder’s bonus).

And if you’re a single-mother (or father) working two crappy full-time, $9.50-an-hour jobs just so you can pull in $39,520 a year (half of which goes to pay the rent – which we all know is too damn high), you’re gonna get…. Let me see, multiply by…carry the one…. Yeah, roughly ZERO. Zip, nada, nothing – not even a thank you. Maybe an “aint ‘merica great” from George Dubya Bush, but that’s about it.

Now, somebody’s gotta pay for all these rebates to the breeders and the wealthy out there, so I have to assume taxes will need to go up for somebody – and it aint gonna be those rich somebodies who can afford lawyers and tax accountants, that much I can guarantee.

Hey, it’s a win-win for everybody. Well, everybody that counts, anyway.