If I live long enough, I suppose I’ll be pleasantly surprised to wake up on any given morning. At this point, though, it kinda just sucks. At least on weekdays. But it’s a special, exciting day today, as my new lawnmower is set to arrive. Yes, that’s pretty much what it’s come down to. Our old lawnmower, which is a Wal-Mart special (bough back before I became enlightened) that has to be about 12 years old, and cost, I think, $99. So I guess we’ve gotten out money’s worth. The new one is electric, and while I’m happy about the lack of noise, fumes, gas, and oils (and the fact that it’s really, really light), I’m a bit dubious as to the whole extension cord thing. Especially since my stepson has been kind enough to cut the grass for us most of the time. He’s a good kid, but, well, you know how kids are. He isn’t real good at taking direction (“yeah, yeah. I know”) and I don’t always get the sense that he’s paying attention, so I figure there’s an “oops” in our future (I just hope that when it happens, the grass isn’t wet). Oh well. We shall see.

But there’s even more excitement today, as my new finish nailer is coming, too. I have a brad nailer, which is pretty handy, and a framing nailer (which has a pretty good kick; you don’t wanna forget to rotate the exhaust away from your face), but I needed something in between.

Not so exciting is the news that Playboy is launching a new non-nude website called SmokingJacket.com. Woo-hoo. Next, maybe somebody will open an alcohol-free bar, or maybe a Hooters where the servers dress in haz-mat suits.

Playboy on Tuesday launched a new, non-nude website that it described as being safe-for-work and a “satirical antidote to the drudgery of the work day.”
[…]
“The smoking jacket isn’t just something I like to wear around the mansion,” Playboy’s iconic founder Hugh Hefner, 84, says in a video posted on the site. “It’s Playboy’s safe for work website. Next to the mansion, it’s the best hangout on the planet.”
[…]
On Tuesday, the new site had posts such as “How to Get Laid at Work,” and “How to Hang Out with Porn Chicks”.

Photos include a spread of Playmate Kimberly Phillips in lingerie and a smoking jacket. From the archives, there’s the 1983 Playmate Playoffs featuring bikini-clad women with classic Farrah Fawcett-styled hair competing in water-soaked events.

First off, I thought the whole “drudgery” of the work day was, like, “working,” not surfing the Internet. Second, I don’t know about where you work, but where I work, I’m pretty sure that pictures of wet, scantily-clad women and tips about hanging out with porn “chicks” and getting laid at work (I guess every day is hump day at the Smoking Jacket) are most decidedly unacceptable and not safe for work. Unless maybe you work with a bunch of adolescent boys testing video games or something.

We can all rest easy today knowing that Lindsay Lohan is behind bars (by that, I mean in jail – not, you know, out behind the bar, which is where she was Monday night. Word has it that Jack Nicholson and Otis Young took her out for one last fling).

The actress, wearing a top that exposed part of her back, was surrounded by deputies and was quickly walked to a nearby side door labeled “secure area.”

Does everything necessitate a fashion report these days? What’s next?

“Elana Kagan, wearing big stupid earrings and a simple strand of faux pearls beneath a green sport coat met with Senator Lindsey “Lohan” Graham this morning, shortly before her nomination to the Supreme Court was approved by the Senate Judiciary Committee. Graham, wearing a rhinestone thong and gold nipple ring, was the only Republican on the Committee to cross party lines and vote in favor of Kagan’s nomination.”

Well, it’s about that time, so I guess I better go put on a clean thong and head out to work and learn how to get laid and hang out with porn chicks.