In an effort to find some sort of motivation to actually go and vote next week (it will take a substantial effort, as I have to overcome both apathy and the anxiety of walking into and finding my way around a new polling place I’m not familiar with; I hate being a newbie), I was perusing the candidates for office where I live. It was rather depressing (though unsurprising) to see that many people are running unopposed. But then I got excited to see that one woman was running for town councillor (or something) on the Communist Party line! Well, shit, if I can help put a commie in office, that’s motivation enough for me. Sadly, upon further review, it turned out she was on the “Community Party” line. Oh, lysdexia, how can you be so cruel?
Some good news, though. One of the questions they put to candidates running for a judgeship was “would you preside over a gay marriage ceremony if asked?” There wasn’t one candidate who said, “no.” Most said the law’s the law, and they weren’t about to pick and choose the ones they’d follow. A couple of them said they were looking forward to it – and that marrying people was a lot more fun than putting them in prison (one might argue that that’s a rather fuzzy distinction). And a few “conservatives” said the law didn’t require them to perform any marriages, and, since they had better shit to do on weekends, they weren’t gonna perform marriages of any kind – gay, straight, or, um, whatever alternatives there are to gay and straight. I took these to be weasel words, so they won’t get my vote. If I vote. Still undecided on the whole thing.
I seem to have developed a new foot-related malady (who knew the feet would be the first to go – assuming you don’t count the knees, shoulders, and back). For the past couple of days, I’ve had a sore toe on my left foot. The “index” toe – if there is such a thing. Which makes wonder why they call your index finger the index finger. Is it the one they use when they index you? Or is it because it’s the one you use when you “thumb through” the index of a book? Which of course makes you wonder why they say “thumb through” a book. I don’t know about you, but I don’t use my thumb. Seems like using your thumb to turn pages would be kind of awkward. Except maybe to grab a stack of pages and use your thumb to regulate the “flow” rate. Like, say, using a flip book.
But anyway, the damn toe is sore for no apparent reason, but now the achilles tendon on my right foot hurts like hell. Again, no apparent reason for that. So I’m kind of walking around like Mr. Tudball.
Ah, the Golden Years. Gotta love ’em.
:cake: :cake: :cake: :cake: :blues: :yippee: :alc: :banana: :bow: :omg: :sammy: :rofl2: :pup: :priest: :spank: :tap: :satan: :rant1: :cake: :cake: :cake: :cake:
:fire:
Day of the Armadillo
By GAIL COLLINS
Published: November 2, 2011
Important News You May Have Missed Dept.: While you and I have been spending the fall worrying about the secret talks of the Congressional supercommittee or trying to determine whether it would be a fun idea to dress as Rick Santorum for Halloween, other even more fascinating news events have been occurring.
I am thinking in particular of a recent story out of Dallas: “Man Allegedly Beat Woman With Frozen Armadillo.â€
Here’s a test. Would you rather hear some details about the Congressional supercommittee or more about the armadillo? I thought so.
“According to investigators, the altercation occurred when the suspect was selling the carcass to the victim, who planned to eat the animal,†said a report from Lynn Kawano of Fox 4 News. “The pair apparently began arguing over the price of the item when the man twice threw the armadillo at the woman.â€
Another report said the victim knew her attacker and had, in fact, been storing his armadillo in her freezer. But everyone agrees on the salient armadillo-as-weapon point. And we are left with several questions.
Is frozen armadillo illegal? Or is it a sort of sidewalk-vendor novelty item, like frozen custard? Are armadillos tasty? Are they endangered?
No to the last one. “They’re not in any short numbers,†said Scott Vaca, the assistant chief of wildlife enforcement at the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department. He added that it was illegal to sell a live armadillo, but not a dead one.
This seemed a little strange. I’m sure the armadillo, for one, would prefer the live route. But Vaca was really not interested in debating the matter.
“I’m telling you the law,†he said. “It’s illegal to sell a living armadillo. By statute. Dead armadillos you can sell parts of them. Make a curio of a little armadillo on his back drinking a bottle of beer.â€
O.K.
I have been working on a project involving Texas, and my friends have been sending me lots of local headlines. (Thanks to Elizabeth Drew for the armadillo tip.) I also got an article titled “Police: Angry Taco Bell Customer Fires at Officers,†which contained the memorable exposition: “Brian Tillerson, a manager at the Taco Bell/KFC restaurant, told The San Antonio Express-News that the man was angry the Beefy Crunch Burrito had gone from 99 cents to $1.49 each.â€
These stories have something in common: They’re conversation-starters without having any actual point. Sure, you could argue that the Taco Bell incident is an argument for gun control, but in Texas entire communities could be gunned down without anyone in authority suggesting that it might be a good idea to have fewer loaded weapons around. So, really, we’re talking about two items from Texas police reports involving edibles. The frozen one of which, I’ve learned, is either a tasty addition to chili or roadkill, depending on whom you’re asking.
Much of the political news of the last few months has been in the frozen-armadillo category — lively discussion topics devoid of actual meaning. For instance, members of the British Commonwealth voted to change its succession laws to give women equal rights to the throne. Big deal. Being the monarch of Britain is, at this point, a story without meaning all by itself. Plus, you apparently have to wait until you’re about 70 to get a crack at the job.
Also in the frozen armadillo category: Anything about Herman Cain. Does he want to feed illegal immigrants to alligators or electrocute them? Did he sexually harass women when he was chief of the National Restaurant Association? Did he ever notice that being chief of the National Restaurant Association was just a highfalutin way of saying “lobbyist?â€
The one thing we’ve learned for sure is that Herman Cain’s staff has no idea what Herman Cain has been up to. Really, by now they’re probably so numb, you could come up to them and say: “Is it true your candidate was once a pirate?†and they’d just promise to look into it.
Sexual harassment is a serious subject. But Herman Cain isn’t. Honestly, I tried. I read his book. I watched the debate. Had many interesting conversations. But I can’t go there anymore. I do not believe that under any circumstances the Republicans are going to vote for a motivational speaker who seems to regard running for president of the United States as an expanded book tour.
A Herman Cain presidency is much less likely than the chances you’ll be thunked by an armor-plated piece of chili meat while shopping for dinner. So, really, I think I’m done.
If I knew who’s birthday it was a year ago I’ve forgotten as I lost that memory with the thousands of brain cells I lose every day but if it’s pj’s birthday I wish a very best :cake: and :bow: for bringing a :rofl2: or a reminder of just how :fustrate: life can be.
My little sister just turned 43 yesterday and all I remembered to send her was a sucky e-card.